What a difference a decade makes...

10 Years ago, I went to bed probably a couple hours from now as a college graduate.  It was the last night I spent living with my very best friends at the time.  It was a night full of promise and hope.  The world was our oyster, of course.  I was engaged, starting a full time job soon, and one week from my birthday.  My mother's day present to my mom that year was my graduation.  Graduation on Mother's Day was such a wonderful gift.  While my mom hadn't graduated from college (you would never know this), I could see the pride in her eyes after the ceremony.  My parents took pictures of me and my friends in our cap and gowns.  We were picture perfect.

10 Years ago, I woke up on May 11, 2003 and packed the remains of my college life into my parents car (and a truck I'm sure).  I hugged my very best friends goodbye and told my fiance I would see him soon.  I cried leaving my home for the last four years.  I cried leaving my very best friends.  But still...the world was our oyster, of course.  I thought about all the wonderful things coming up in my life.  A new job, wedding planning, and the official start of my life as a college graduate.

A little over one month later, I spent Father's Day crying.  My wedding was called off.  My heart was broken.  I called my parents and begged them to come get me.  I was visiting my fiance's father in the hospital and I wasn't sure I could drive home.  I hugged the women who I felt were part of my family, his mother and two sisters and cried.  I cried at the loss of my love.  I cried at the loss of what was supposed to be part of my new family.  My parents were there faster than I could have imagined.  I packed what was left of me into the car and cried the whole way home.

Tonight I go to bed married to the love of my life.  Our two little loves peacefully sleeping in their beds. My in laws are asleep in our house as well.  Half of my family is here with me tonight.  I am happier than I could have imagined 10 years ago.  While our life is not picture perfect, the world is a wonderful place filled with Sweet Pea and Monkey's laughter.  Instead of seeing the world as my oyster, I look in their eyes and am filled with hope.  The world is at their feet.

Tomorrow In a few hours, I will wake up and get ready to celebrate Monkey's birthday.  In less than a week, he will be 3 years old.  We will spend the day preparing for the party, from picking up the cake to wrapping that last present.  We will laugh and ticke and just enjoy our family.  We will see our families and some of our very best friends at the party and marvel over how big the kids are, how happy the little things make them, and have a fabulous time just being all together.  Most likely at the end of the day, I will cry; although the tears will not be of sadness or loss.  My tears on birthdays are always due to the amount of love I have in my heart.  The love that we receive from our friends and family.  The love of us.  We have the world at our feet.  It's our oyster, of course.

Wordless Wednesday

I'm not ready

Sweet Pea starts preschool in August.  She will be in school two days a week for two hours.  She won't be gone that long.  And I will probably quickly realize how much or how little I can get done with one child twice a week for two hours.  But right now, I'm not ready.

Sweet Pea has been missing school (full day daycare) since I have been home.  For the first three months I was home, we had regular visits to her school.  We visited her teachers and friends for less than an hour once a week.  Sweet Pea hated leaving.  The visits tapered off, but whenever we drove past the school (several times a week), she would ask if we were going or when we could go next.  

After being home for six months, one of her old daycare teachers moved back to the area and started watching the kids for a couple hours twice a week.  Having Miss Shutterbug back in our life was a blessing.  Sweet Pea and Monkey loved having her visit.  And I loved having the chance to go to the grocery store on my own, during daylight hours, to get our weekly shopping done.  I ran seven errands, got lunch and made it back early the first day Miss S was back in our lives.  In May, Miss S moved away again.  And the calls for school increased from Sweet Pea.  

In June, we picked a preschool.  Technically, we picked it in April but didn't get around to letting them know (read paying registration) until a few weeks ago.  Since that time, RoadTripDaddy and I have talked more about school with Sweet Pea.  She is beyond excited.  In fact, Sweet Pea wants to go to school so badly that after financial registration (for preschool not college), she had a total meltdown in the parking lot because  she didn't want to leave.  During the meltdown, RoadTripDaddy was left to contend with Sweet Pea, while I hightailed it to the car with Monkey, silently praying that no one looked outside.

The next night at dinner Sweet Pea calmly tells RoadTripDaddy and I that she wants to go to school.  She explained that we "don't need to worry because I won't miss you while I'm at school."  Sweet Pea asked if she could take her little brother.  She said that she wanted Monkey to be with her.  She wanted him to meet her friends and learn too.  RoadTripDaddy and I looked at each other with smiles.  And tears rolled down my cheeks.  Because "she's ready."  She "won't miss us."  We "shouldn't worry."

She may be ready but I'm not.  Thankfully I know that we have another month before school.  And I'm pretty sure she will miss us.  Even if it's just a little.

The year of the family...

I had no idea when I wrote that 2011 would be the year of the family that it would be like this at the half way point.  I have been through my share of ups and downs this year and I'm still working on letting go and going with the flow.

First things first...in June 2010 - six weeks after Monkey was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression.  I have been seeing a counselor and was on medication.  Early this year, I decided to end the medication.  I had been weaning on and off of it throughout the holiday season (probably not my wisest decision) and had focused on taking a step back and a deep breath before freaking out about things and about myself.  I had struggled so much with how I was feeling.  I hated that I felt differently than I did when Sweet Pea was born.  I hated that I felt I couldn't control my feelings and emotions or reactions with people.  I hated that I was so angry.  But in working with the most wonderful counselor, I had started to forgive myself.  I started to see that no one was doing things intentionally to hurt me.  I started to see that I was okay and there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  So in January I decided I was done with the medication completely.  I didn't need it anymore.  I just needed to remember what we had talked about.  I needed to remember that it was okay that I felt a certain way.  And I needed to remember that my family was not going to think less of me because of the struggles I went through.  I still see my counselor every couple weeks and I'm open about it.  I'm not hiding what I went through.  And as my counselor says, "one day I will be a phenomenal resource for someone going through the same thing."

Moving on...

In the middle of February a friend mentioned an opening at her office that intrigued me.  I had been bored at work for the past year and frustrated for at least two years with what I was doing.  I never thought I would leave but the opportunity presented itself and I jumped.  I got the job and put in my two weeks notice.  It was a flood of emotions that I wasn't prepared for.  After seven and a half years, I was really leaving.  I walked out the door on my last day a little shell shocked.  I started my new job the next day.

I was so excited.  I did well to start then started to slow down.  I wasn't worried.  I just kept working and busting my butt.  I moved from working a half desk to a full desk and again hit the ground running.  Things were moving along then they faltered.  And try as I may, I couldn't get one area to get back up.  I talked to my supervisor, I expressed my concern and said I was trying.  I was told that it would come around.  Then Sweet Pea got sick and Monkey fell at daycare cutting his nose and he got sick too.  So I was home with the kids.  Monday, Tuesday and most of Wednesday with Sweet Pea.  Monkey joined us Wednesday afternoon and both kids were home for the week.'  Thursday June 9th was my fourth wedding anniversary.  My anniversary present was going to work.  Road Trip Daddy's present was staying home with the kiddos.

I was thrilled to go into work and be able to control my day.  I hated that I couldn't make Sweet Pea or Monkey better and the little control I had at work was what I needed to recharge.  I was already planning on staying home Friday with the kids, so the one day of work was welcome.  I got to work and focused hard.  I was determined to give it 110%.  Just before 4pm, pay checks were handed out and my boss grabbed me for a quick minute.  Less than 30 seconds into her office and I was told I was being let go.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I tried to think straight.  She apologized, several times in our conversation.  I didn't know what to say.  She asked if there was anything she could do.  The only thing I could say was "Yeah, can you call my husband and tell him I don't have a job?"  I spent the next 10 minutes gathering my thoughts, updating my supervisor on any information she needed and then packed up the few belongings there and walked out the door.  My boss walked me to the elevator and I tried to keep my composure until the elevator came.  I gasped for air as the doors to the elevator opened.  I wanted to be sick.  I prayed for no one to be on the elevator so I could retreat to my car and breathe, scream, cry, whatever.  The elevator went down one floor and stopped.  Are you kidding me?  A middle age man got on the elevator silently.  One more floor and we stop again.  This is just cruel.  Another person joins us.  I don't know if it's a man or woman because I'm staring at the floor trying to stay on my feet.  We make it to the first floor and I step off the elevator.

I call Road Trip Daddy from the car.  No answer.  I leave a message - "We need to talk, call me back soon."  He gets my message about 20 minutes later and at this point I'm 10 minutes from home.  "I'll talk to you when I get home, I'm almost there" is all I say when I answer the phone.  We hang up and I try to come up with what I'm going to say.  I have taken a risk by leaving my job of over seven years for this.  I had taken a significant pay cut with the potential for more money based on commissions.  I feel like a fool.  I feel like a failure.  I worry that Road Trip Daddy will be disappointed in me.  I wish more than anything at that moment at I hadn't left my job.  It's not at all how I expected to be spending my anniversary.

When I walk in at home, I'm greeted by screams of delight at my arrival.  Sweet Pea rounds the corner and greets me with a big hug and kiss.  Monkey is trailing behind her and grabs my legs.  I pick him up and meet Road Trip Daddy in the kitchen.  We hug and I ask what the worst thing I could tell him right now.  He shakes his head and I finally get the words out of my mouth.  "I don't have a job anymore."  I start crying.  "I'm sorry," I say.  He hugs me tighter.  "It's okay.  We are fine.  We are going to be fine."  With those three sentences, I feel slightly lighter.  The stress of telling him are gone and I take a deep breath.

I told my parents later that night and since then we have only told a few close friends.  I knew at some point I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I just wasn't planning on it for another 3 years or so.  I have been settling into the SAHM role but I am still looking into going back to work...just not quite yet.

So here we are...halfway through the year of the family.  We are planning getaways for the summer and I'm looking forward to all the time I get to spend with Sweet Pea and Monkey (even if they are driving me crazy for half of it!)

It has been one year...

It has been a year since the last time I posted.  It has been less time since I have written but for some reason I never posted those.  And of course, so much has changed in the last year.

• Baby boy, Monkey, as we lovingly refer to him, was born on May 16th.  One day before my 29th birthday.  It was an ordeal - but that's for another post.
• I have postpartum depression that I have been working on since Monkey was 8 weeks old.  It has been a long and tedious road, but I am getting better.
• Sweet Pea has learned to walk, run, climb stairs, etc.  She talks non-stop, narrating her life to us.  RoadTripDaddy and I love it, well...most of the time.
• Monkey is in constant motion.  He moves lightening fast even though he is not crawling on all fours yet. He has perfected the army crawl and can cross a room in the time it takes me to write this sentence.  Monkey is also pulling himself up on things.  As of this morning, he is now able to pull himself all the way up to his feet.  I'm not ready for this.
• We moved Sweet Pea to a toddler bed - her crib converted.  The first night of sleep went great.  Every night since that (over 2 weeks) has been not good.  Most nights we are awoken at 12:45am or 2:30am.  It's awesome...
• As of tonight, Sweet Pea has decided that when we leave her room after the bedtime routine, if she is awake, she will get out of bed and follow us - wailing - into the hallway or our bedroom.  Another awesome finding.
• I have made resolutions (not for New Years) that I have vowed to keep - and my number one priority is making 2011 "the year of our family."

In the last year, I have learned so much from my friends, family, Sweet Pea and Monkey.  I'm trying to keep these lessons of patience, understanding, forgiveness, wonder, excitement, and joy in the forefront of my mind.  I'm trying to take things less personally.  I'm trying to ease up on myself.  As I found this Christmas, there is only so much I can control.  I can't go back...I can't change what has happened.  I can only learn from it and move forward.  

"Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

Tomorrow

Tomorrow my baby turns 1.

I'm so excited and heartbroken all at the same time. It's been an incredible year and the love I have for Sweet Pea is more than I ever imagined. It's wonderful to see the world through her eyes. She has a fabulous personality and loves everyone. Sweet Pea makes friends with everyone when we go out - just like her grandpa. She is the love of my life (and RoadTripDaddy's). Sweet Pea is learning new things every day and constantly amazes me. I can't wait to see what the next year brings but there is part of me that wants her to just stay little. And it's that part that's sad that her first year of life will be done tomorrow.

It's crazy to think what I was doing this time last year:

• I can't believe a year ago today I was running around JC Penney trying to find just the right curtains for our bedroom and front room.
• I can't believe that I spent the day worrying if RoadTripDaddy would like what I had picked out.
• I can't believe I was worried about what my commute would be like the next day. (We had a week of snow at rush hour - twice a day - and I was averaging 2 hours each way on my commute.)
• I can't believe that I had cooked any meals to freeze and eat when we got home from the hospital. But I was so convinced Sweet Pea would meet her due date or be late that I assumed I had at least one more weekend to make something - or bribe RoadTripDaddy or my dad to make something.
• I can't believe I assumed the pre-term labor I had gone through (and sent me to the hospital with) didn't trigger more initiative for me to be ready.
• I can't believe I didn't realize that the next day would be one of the best days of my life.

I can't believe my baby is going to be 1 tomorrow.

One day this will be funny...

But at this point, I'm tired and crabby.

We are in Michigan this weekend for Sweet Pea's first birthday party (round 1). We are having a party here today for all my relatives then another party next weekend for the rest of my family and our local friends.

This weekend has started with a few hiccups that are just getting on my nerves. On Friday at work, I was assigned a task that needed to be completed by Tuesday. Not a big deal right...except I can't get into the system and the internet goes down at our office so I waste the entire morning trying to work. Keeping in mind, we have Monday off I know that I will be working this weekend. The weekend we are out of town celebrating Sweet Pea's 1st birthday. Before I leave work, I save my work on my computer and head home.

At home, RoadTripDaddy and I get ready to leave while Sweet Pea dances while her music table plays song after song. I decide to bring our home computer with us this weekend as it's much lighter than my work pc. I figure I can work in the car on the drive in and get as much work done as possible. I hope that I can finish everything before we get here. Saturday morning I wake up realizing that I didn't email the document I need to myself and it's instead sitting on my work computer at home - an hour away.

I spent an hour before we leave desperately trying to access the system to run my report. No luck...so several text messages and emails go out begging for some help. I get the report - just a crucial column from a work friend - so I still can't get my work done. Awesome.

When we got to the hotel, we are informed that while we do have a reservation it's just not for this weekend. It's for next weekend. Thankfully this isn't a problem as there are rooms available. Another small snafu but after a long car ride and my general frustration with having to work, I'm not amused.

Did I mention that we are sharing our hotel room with my parents? Oh yeah, and we are sleeping on the fold out couch. Nothing like a crappy mattress and paper thin sheets to make for a comfy night. There's a blanket too that I'm sure is a hand me down from a local hospital. So this morning when Sweet Pea woke up at 3:30am Central Time and finally fell back asleep with her feet jammed in my ribs, I decided that it's not that bad to be awake and got out of bed.

So I'm sitting in the lobby of our hotel wondering just when I can get breakfast around here. Here's hoping I can take a nap later this morning before the party...

This will be amusing some day, but right now I'm tired, crabby and hungry.

This morning, I saw news coverage for the first time. I have been trying to avoid the images because I can't handle the pain and suffering right now. Please take a moment to donate in any way you can help the people of Haiti. This is a country without a net. While I had a crappy start to my weekend, I feel blessed to have my family and friends safe and healthy.

You can click on any of the following links to donate:

Red Cross

Clinton Bush Haiti Fund

UNICEF (1-800-4UNICEF)

Direct Relief

Yele Haiti

Partners in Health

Red Cross

World Food Program

Mercy Corps (1-888-256-1900)

Save the Children

Lambi Fund

Doctors Without Borders

The International Rescue Committee

Care

William J. Clinton Foundation

Meds & Food For Kids

Feed the Children

Habitat for Humanity

If you can't donate financially, please consider donating a pint of blood. My friend is running her Third Annual Blood Drive. You can find out about it by clicking here.

20 weeks

This was Day 5 (I think). I'm not in my flickr account right now and I'm not in the mood to find out. This is the first present RoadTripDaddy bought for the new baby. He brought this and a card home the day after (I think) we found out I was pregnant. It's the only thing we have bought for the baby. I am nervous that if I start shopping for the new little one I will go overboard. And that's probably not a good idea. Also, I would feel like I would need to get stuff for Sweet Pea too. And she will be a year old in two weeks (as of 4:29 this afternoon). So, I think we are set on presents for the moment.

Back to the topic of this post - yesterday was the 20 week mark for this pregnancy. Half way there. I can't believe it. At this point in my pregnancy with Sweet Pea, both RoadTripDaddy and I were convinced we were having a boy. And everyone was all to willing to give their opinions on the matter as well. Because I was carrying like I was having a boy. Or so I kept being told. The week of my ultrasound last time people kept asking me whether I thought Sweet Pea was a boy or girl. And I repeated over and over what I believed, that I was pregnant with a boy. I didn't tell people that I had changed my mind. That I was sure we were having a girl. See, we had a name set for a boy. And we had stopped looking at names - but part of that was that I was just so sick of repeating names over and over again trying to figure out how my child could be teased with each name I liked. I announced to RoadTripDaddy at 18 weeks that it didn't make sense to keep looking at names. We had the appointment set and there was no point in looking for a girl name too unless we were told something different at that appointment.

Going back to whether I thought we were having a boy or girl, the week of my ultrasound I became convinced (although I didn't share this with anyone) that we were having a girl. Because I was totally unprepared for having a girl. Because I didn't have a name for a girl. Because I thought RoadTripDaddy wanted a boy. Because I thought I wanted a boy. So on that day, during the ultrasound as we talked with the ultrasound tech and looked at the different parts of Sweet Pea's little body, we saw Sweet Pea's arms and RoadTripDaddy mentioned our little one becoming a pitcher for the Cubs. The technician looked scanned down further on Sweet Pea, looked at us and said our little one will be more likely waving her arms at a Miley Cyrus concert than pitching in a major league baseball game. Tears filled my eyes. I looked back at RoadTripDaddy worried he would be upset. And there were tears in his eyes. But he wasn't upset. He was happy. He squeezed my hand and we continued the ultrasound. I wiped away the tears and knew that we would be okay. I knew that it didn't matter if we were having a girl or boy. Sweet Pea was healthy and we were halfway to meeting our little girl.

My 20 week ultrasound is this Friday at 3pm. We will once again be finding out if the little one will be a boy or girl. I'm convinced we are having a girl. And having panic attacks that it will be a boy and I won't have any clue what to do. But truthfully, as long as the baby is healthy I will be happy either way.

Happy New Year!

Well, here it is. My first picture of 2010. Sweet Pea was crawling around my in-laws dining room. She had us all laughing as she crawled around making her presence known by "yelling" with each move. We had a great New Years Eve and a wonderful weekend at my in-laws with some of my husband's siblings. We were missing his younger brother, but we did get to talk to him just after midnight. Hope you all had a great time ringing in 2010.

2009 comes to a close

This is a long post. If you are too lazy to read the whole post (or just want the good stuff - head down to the last 2 paragraphs!)

I don't normally make New Year's resolutions. It's not that I don't believe in them or I think I will set myself up for failure. I just think that waiting for a particular day to occur to make a change in your life (hopefully positive) is a silly idea. If I decide in June that I want to volunteer more, why wait until January 1st to contact the charities I hold dear to my heart? Why not call that day and ask how I can help out?

A few months after Sweet Pea was born, I saw that a blogger (and no, I don't have any idea who it was) was taking a picture of their baby every day for the first year of their life. What a great idea I thought. Why didn't I think of that? It wasn't like I didn't have 2000 pictures of her by her second month (because I did). But there was something about starting or ending or at least acknowledging every day with a picture of Sweet Pea's life.

I told myself it was too late for Sweet Pea. How could I start that now? What with her being 4 months old and all? So I didn't. And I regret it. Because how cool would it be to see how much she has changed. I know she has. I can see it in the pictures framed at my desk and the rotating background on my computer.

It's been a crazy year for our family. I know 2009 has been awful for some people (for a lot of people). But all in all, 2009 has been good to the RoadTripFamily. We went from a married couple (family of 2) to a family of three with Sweet Pea brightening our days. While I received news that I had tumors in my thyroid that needed to be removed, I learned they weren't cancer. And I was grateful. And a week before my husband's birthday, we found out that I'm expecting again. It was a rough first month and there were concerns of miscarriage. But I can tell you that I'm 19 weeks along and looking forward to our ultrasound next week. We've had our ups and downs, but there's been a lot of love. I look forward to 2010 with some nerves, but mostly I'm excited to see what will happen next.

On that note, I have decided on two resolutions for 2010. After seeing OHMommy wrap up her year in pictures on Twitter, I have decided to challenge myself to a year of pictures. I plan to share some on this blog but mostly, it's for the RoadTripFamily. We have a lot to see in the next year. From Sweet Pea's 1st birthday to baby 2 to our 3rd wedding anniversary and 4 weddings (so far). Secondly, my goal when starting this blog was to post as often as I could. And I admit, I could have posted more often. So in 2010, I am resolving to post at least once a week (please note that could mean a Monday of week 1 and Saturday of week 2 - because I'm ambitious but let's be serious). While these may seem like minor resolutions to you (and anyone else I tell), it's about a commitment to RoadTripFamily and our life together. They are the best part of my day.

Happy New Year everyone!

Fun with fish

Recently my husband and I took Sweet Pea and my parents to spend the day at the Shedd. It had been years since I had been there and my only memory was the large round tank in the center of the aquarium. I was thrilled to see so much more than I remembered.

There are seven large exhibits to visit along with the central tank and the four water areas to explore. We started with a stop at Amazon Rising. From anacondas and piranhas to rays and very, very large fish, this should be everyone’s first stop. I was shocked to see there were monkeys in this area too! I didn't see them the first time we were in this area but when we headed back up there later, I sat down on a bench and looked up to see the monkeys hanging out looking down at all the people.

After Amazon Rising, we headed down to Fantasea. It was a great show with the animals coming closer than you expect. We all got a kick out of the penguins as they toddled around the audience. There are several animals in this show: a seal, red tailed hawk, Pacific white sided dolphins, penguins and beluga whales. Sweet Pea was enthralled with the whole show.

As we explored exhibit after exhibit and saw all sorts of crazy looking fish and colorful sea life, I laughed realizing that I couldn’t tell who was having more fun out of our group – was it Sweet Pea, my husband, me?

We easily spent four hours roaming the aquarium and I’m sure we could have stayed for another four! It was a great day and everyone enjoyed themselves. If you live in the Chicago area or are planning a visit here, check out the Shedd Aquarium's website for information about free days at the Shedd.

It's been a while...

And I've missed you...

Things have been all sorts of crazy over here. So let's start at the beginning. I will be posting several times over the next couple days so I don't end up with another ridiculously long post.

Let's start with the rest of the doctor issues...

I received a call at work with the results of the biopsy the Tuesday after my appointment. The nurse says "The results of your biopsy are back. You have a thyroid tumor. Cancer can't be determined." I was told I would need to make a follow up appointment to talk to the doctor to figure out our next steps. I scheduled the next available appointment - Thursday. I have tried to stay positive up to this point. I have believed that everything was going to be okay. And instead, I am dumbfounded by this news. This was not supposed to happen. I was not prepared for this...

I call my husband. Repeat those three sentences and burst into tears. He tells me we will get this figured out and everything will be okay. We have nothing to worry about until we talk to the doctor and he tells us to worry. I say okay and tell him we will talk tonight. All I want to do is be with him and that's not an option for the next few hours.

I text a friend in another part of the building and ask her to meet me in the lobby. We walk around the office parking lot and I cry. I make vain comments about my neck being the only thing that didn't get fat on me while I was pregnant. I talk about the possibility of surgery and cancer and what will happen with my husband and Sweet Pea. My friend calms me down and we walk back into work. Thankfully, I am about 30 minutes from my scheduled time to leave so I wrap up my work and fly out the door at 4.

At the doctor's office on Thursday, he recommends surgery. And he recommends it sooner rather than later due to the size of the tumors. I have a list of questions and the doctor answers them one by one making sure we understand everything. I have my husband with me because I have been known to leave the doctor's office with no recollection of what was said. And because he wouldn't have been anywhere else but by my side. He's good like that.

I'm sure I'm smiling like an idiot throughout this appointment. In fact, the doctor mentions that I seem awfully calm about this recommendation of surgery. My husband said we thought this might be what you recommended. I nod along like an absent minded fool while in my head I'm screaming - THIS IS MY WORST CASE SCENARIO! YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT SLICING OPEN MY THROAT! I'M NOT OKAY WITH THIS! I'M NOT OKAY!!!

The appointment wraps up and I schedule the surgery for Thursday, August 13th - approximately 6 weeks later, because I'm not ready for this. I'm not okay. I'm scared.

Update...finally

So I was going to write about Sweet Pea's first trip to the zoo but I realized all those pictures are at home and not on this computer. So instead, maybe it's time to fill you in on what has been weighing me down...(FYI - I started this post exactly one week ago, but lost track of time and ended up running late to my grad class. Oops.)

Almost two months ago, I went to the doctor. I had been absolutely exhausted for a couple weeks. I wasn't tired from the baby. It was this all consuming, over whelming, frightening tiredness. It would hit me every morning as I sat in traffic. I would finally gain enough energy to carry on a conversation a few hours later but I struggled to stay focused and conscious for the rest of the work day. The drive home would be amazingly smooth and awake. I was usually pretty good until around 8pm. At that point my body would give up and I would fight with all my might to stay awake if there was something that needed to get done. More often than not, my husband would find me passed out, fully clothed on the couch, or on top of the covers or anywhere else in the house if I stayed still for a couple minutes.

This was particularly alarming to me when I was commuting into work. I worried that at any moment I would pass out and smash into the cars in front of me or the construction barriers that make up 95% of my commute or hit the guardrail or land in a ditch. I told my husband that it was so bad, I was tempted to pull over to the shoulder in rush hour traffic just to close my eyes. I tried blasting the radio, opening the windows, turning on freezing cold air and even snapping a rubber band on my wrist. Nothing worked. I found myself violently shaking my head back and forth to jar my eyes open. The only thing that worked, was to talk on the phone. I know, I know. There are all sorts of reasons why this is not a good idea. But here's the thing, it kept me awake, and as my two friends who now get daily calls can tell you, focused. As I complained about this person and that person and wondered aloud why every road I travel on must be under construction, I found that I could keep my eyes open and arrive safely at work.

So, on May 20th I went to the doctor. It was an awful visit. My doctor was an hour and 45 minutes late for our appointment. There were other things that I do not care to write about, but I decided in that time waiting that I would never see this doctor again. (More on this later - in a different post.) But, this doctor thought that maybe it was my thyroid that was causing the tiredness. Not the baby - as everyone else had diagnosed me. And here's the thing people, if I tell you "It's not the baby. Sweet Pea sleeps through the night. I sleep through the night. I get a ton of sleep. I'm still exhausted." Then guess what? It's not the baby. It's not when I go to bed. It's not how much sleep I get. I know something is wrong. And thankfully, this doctor caught it. In the exam she mentioned that my thyroid felt a little generous (her words...). She ordered blood work and an ultrasound.

The blood work was completed immediately but I would have to wait on those results for a couple days. The ultrasound got scheduled for the following week. I have the ultrasound with my husband in the room. It’s not that it’s that big of a test, but honestly, I wasn’t sure if the person was going to say something like “Oh my God, that’s a big tumor or whatever.” And having him there made me feel better. I call the doctor's office and ask for a copy of my blood work results and the results of the ultrasound. I don't know what the results say at this point but I know that I will be seeing a new doctor and I want to have at least this information.

I pick up the test results in a sealed envelope (after the woman at the reception desk passed by the envelope at least twice...). I walk out into the sunshine and slowly tear open the envelope. The blood results are on top. As the nurse said, nothing is abnormal with the exception of high thyroid antibodies. Basically my body is attacking my thyroid and it's fighting back. From the research I have done online...(I know, I know - self diagnosis is not a good idea but I can' thelp but looking up some things) I know that this is probably a pre-cursor for hypothyroidism.

The ultrasound test results are next. I scan them for "bad" words. I find a sentence that starts with "At least..." It has been determined that I have "at least" 2 nodules. I feel like I got punched in the stomach. I get to my car and call my husband. "What does this mean?" "What's wrong?" "Why did they find something?" "What does this sentence mean?" He calms me down and says we will take things one step at a time. I take a deep breath, start my car and head to work.

It is the recommendation of my doctor to see another doctor in the practice, who is a surgeon but also has endocrinology background. I am told this doesn't guarantee I will need surgery. This does not make me feel better. The doctor also wants me to have a thyroid scan and uptake. This test involves radioactive materials and if I decide to have the test done, I will need to go to all formula for Sweet Pea. I schedule the two day test for the first week in June. In the end, after discussion with the nurse and my husband, we decide to hold off on this test.

Two weeks after my original doctor's appointment, I am in a new doctor's office. She tells me that if these were her test results or those of her sister (high thyroid antibodies and at least 2 nodules on the large side on the left side of my thyroid), she would recommend seeing an ENT. She makes me feel comfortable, she listens, she asks questions, she repeats things. And she doesn't mind that my husband is with me. Because I have learned that I cannot be trusted to remember what the doctor tells me. (More on this later as well - again, in another post.)

I meet the ENT doctor at the end of the next week. My husband meets Sweet Pea and I there as I was working from home that day. I had been travelling for work and didn't get home from the airport until 1am. There was no way I was going to turn around 5.5 hours later to put in a hour commute while I was more exhausted than usual. We discuss the test results and what steps we should take. He recommends a FNA (fine needle aspiration - see nice technical term for biopsy, which is a nice term for stabbing you with a needle multiple times).

The biopsy sucks. The room is too small for my husband to hold my hand and with Sweet Pea there it's not really a possibility anyway. Sweet Pea fusses a little as I'm getting situated on the exam table. She gets a bottle and I can hear her happily eating away. I have my necklace with our names on it wrapped around my wrist with the pendant in my hand. I squeeze it tightly as the doctor takes three samples from my neck.

I wince with pain, hold back the tears and five very long minutes later it is over and the doctor leaves the room. The doctor says he knows it was painful and that I did great. It hurts to swallow and I am convinced that he has punctured something in my throat. I am told that the test results will be back to me by the following Wednesday at the latest. We are left with the nurse, who puts her hand on my shoulder and apologizes for the pain. She says it's okay to cry. Which I do. I'm exhausted. I slowly get up and my husband pulls me into his arms. I hug him and Sweet Pea together and try to gather myself. We take a deep breath, get Sweet Pea in her car seat, gather my things and head out.

Coming soon...the test results

WGN's Beautiful Baby Contest

Hey everyone!

As you may already know, via Facebook and Twitter...We entered Sweet Pea in this year's WGN's Beautiful Baby Contest. The contest starts today and runs through the end of the month. The winner is awarded $5000 and a professional photo shoot. If we win, my husband and I are hoping to get a big jump in the college fund for Sweet Pea. And you know how much I love taking pictures of Sweet Pea (I think we have well over 2000 pictures of her already), so the photo shoot would be incredible. You can only vote once and you will need to register for the site. I know how much it sucks to register for stuff, but it should only take a minute and it would really mean a lot to us.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT! And we would be so honored and grateful if you linked back to this or posted my link from Facebook.

Here's the link:

Sweet Pea's entry

And if you already voted, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

Seriously...

I have not forgotten about you. I have just had a lot on my mind and I was hoping things would get resolved and I could post a happy ending to what is going on. But this isn't resolved yet. And will be weighing on my mind for another month or so.

So, here's the plan. I will give an update on what has been going on with me by the 4th.

In the meantime, we are taking Sweet Pea to the zoo for the first time tomorrow. It will also be my husband's first trip to Lincoln Park Zoo. I'm really looking forward to this trip and the long weekend. Last weekend we ended up in front of the aquariums at Bass Pro Shop and Sweet Pea was entralled with the fish. I can't wait to see what she thinks of the animals at the zoo.

More news coming soon...

Mother's Day Part II

After the Walk to Empower event, LA and I headed back home.  When I got home, my husband was working on some landscaping for the front of our house.  I had mentioned several times how much I hated three of the bushes that were part of the landscaping when we bought our house.  To my surprise and delight, the bushes were now ripped from the ground and replaced with hostas and flowers.  My husband stopped what he was doing when I got home to proudly show off his handy work. 

The plan for the rest of the night was to head over to my parents house and have dinner together.  I went in the house to get ready and after a quick shower, I grabbed a pair of lightweight khaki cargo pants and a dark blue t-shirt.  I put my still wet hair back in a ponytail and went outside to tell the hubby that I was ready.  I had mentioned that I wanted to get some pictures of Sweet Pea in the grass since she had never been in it.  I grabbed her and the camera and we set out to capture this first moment.  Sweet Pea seemed to like the grass while she was standing.  Once I sat her down, we captured these two pictures before Sweet Pea decided she had enough. 

I took the camera back inside and let my husband know I was ready to go whenever he was ready.  I got the once over from him and "You're going to wear that?  I thought you were going to wear a dress."  I reluctantly pulled a dress out of my closet, went back to the bathroom to shave my legs and got changed.  

Once we got to my parents house, I opened a couple presents and figured out that we weren't having dinner there.  I figured we would be heading out so I left Sweet Pea in her carseat until we were ready to go.  I was then surprised to find out that Sweet Pea would be watched by my parents while we went on a date.  My husband took me out of a great dinner and we really enjoyed spending a few hours out.  We had a wonderful time out and then hurried to pick up Sweet Pea and head home.  My first Mother's Day was wonderful!  

Lots to catch up on...

I have a ton to write about but I'm going to try to get caught up over the next few days and not have another extremely long post.

My first Mother's Day was a couple weeks ago.  I spent the morning downtown with Sweet Pea and LA at the Walk to Empower event (formerly the Y-ME Walk).  It was great to have Sweet Pea with us and we had a great morning.  The weather was perfect and the sun was shining.  I could not have asked for a better start to my day.  After the race was over, I met up with an old friend from college and her mom who were walking for their sister/daughter-in-law.  It was great to catch up with them and introduce them to Sweet Pea.  

The only problems we encountered dealt with parking.  Or should I say getting to and from the car in the parking structure.  It was a mess.  We parked my car in the Grant Park South lot underground.  Three stories underground.  Making it up to the race wasn't bad.  There were escalators going up and there was an elevator from the first floor underground to the street.  Although there was no way we were getting in the elevator, so we grabbed the stroller and hauled it up those last stairs.  I should clarify that I'm not talking about a little umbrella stroller.  I'm talking about a Chicco Travel System.  With the car seat part.  And a 12 pound baby.  No small feat for 7:30am.  We were proud of ourselves when we made it to the top of the stairs.  

Going back down to the car was a whole other story.  Had we been paying attention, LA and I would have realized there were only escalators going up...not down.  We might have noticed that there were only narrow stairways.  We might have figured out that it was going to be almost impossible for the two of us to make it down the stairs with the "stroller" and all the goodies we would pick up after the race.   But that did not happen.  We were in too much of a hurry when we got downtown to notice any of this. 

I had taken Sweet Pea out of her stroller after the race so she wouldn't be cooped up the whole time.  I figured I would just carry her down to the car and we would be on our way.  When we got to the entrance of the parking lot, LA and I realized that it wasn't going to be that easy.  Thankfully a woman noticed us staring at the stairs wondering just how we were going to make it and she swiftly grabbed one end of the stroller and helped us down to the next level.  There we were greeted by the payment lines.  Oh yeah, we have to pay here before we can get out of this lot.  Great.  Oh and I left the ticket in my car.  Even after the 10 signs I passed reminding me to take my ticket with me?  Nice.  I hike down the next two levels to my car, grab the ticket and haul myself back up to the payment area.  LA and I pay and then make our way to the stairs.  I am pretty sure I laughed out loud when I saw what we were going to have to do.  However, once again, a nice woman came to our rescue and helped LA with the stroller while I carried Sweet Pea.  Woo Hoo I thought.  Only one more set of stairs left.  Of course, these were the narrowest and steepest (maybe not, but they certainly looked that way).  We stopped and tried to figure out if there was a way for me to get the car up to that level.  We must have looked lost because a gentleman carrying an armload of water bottles came up to us and asked if we needed help.  We quickly agreed and he helped us manuever the stroller down those last stairs.  

Wow.  I really just posted three paragraphs on parking.  That's lame.  More to come tomorrow on the rest of my first Mother's Day.

Great Start

Two weeks into blogging and I'm already slacking.  Such a procrastinator you say.  But I have my reasons.  Last Wednesday, Sweet Pea got sick.  And then Friday, I got sick.  And then Saturday, my husband (who never gets sick) got sick.  

It started with a stuffed up nose and not a lot of sleeping on my part.  Sweet Pea was sleeping, but she was so stuffed up that it was causing her to cough every 15-20 minutes and shift in her sleep.  She was finally forced to breathe through her mouth.  While it didn't seem to affect her sleep, every time I heard her I woke up to make sure she was still breathing.  It was the same thing for my husband.  We woke up Thursday morning totally exhausted.  By Friday night what I thought were allergies due to the crazy up and down Chicago temperatures, was pretty much confirmed to be a cold.  I was absolutely miserable.  Having not been sick almost my entire pregnancy and not at all since I had Sweet Pea, I wasn't the happiest person.  Grateful it was the weekend, I just prayed to get some sleep and was happy to sleep in the next morning. (Read - I woke up at 6:30 instead of 5 am.)  The rest of the weekend continued with lots of stuffy noses, sore bodies and as much sleep as we could get.

I thought I was better until yesterday morning when I was convinced I had been run over by a bus.  I felt awful.  A quick call to the doctor in the morning and a visit shortly after confirmed that no I did not have the flu (or the swine flu) and indeed just a virus and I should feel better soon.  The doctor gave me a prescription for some antibiotics and said I can wait out the virus or take these and possibly feel better a little sooner.  I chose the antibiotics.  Here's hoping I'm back to 100% soon.  In the meantime, Sweet Pea sounds much better.  I'm thinking she should be good as new tomorrow.  Just in time for us to head to Michigan for a family baby shower.

Five Books

I recently asked on my FB page what five books should every child own. This was a purely selfish request on my part. I wanted to know what books I should get for Sweet Pea's Easter basket. I had my personal favorites (The Polar Express, Where the Wild Things Are, Goodnight Moon, I Love You Forever and any Little Critter book.). I was surprised at some of the responses I got from people. No one else listed The Polar Express. But I did get some great suggestions. They included The Giving Tree, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Poky Little Puppy, the Berenstein Bears and any Richard Scarry book.

As I shopped for Easter, I grabbed a few classics that were recommended but I am working on compiling a list of books I want for Sweet Pea's library. So if there is anyone out there listening, I would love to hear your thoughts. What five books should every child own?

3 Months Old

Sweet Pea turned 3 months old today. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed already. I feel as though it was just yesterday that we were driving to the hospital hoping not to be turned away. I went into early labor the Saturday before she was born and it was so sad being sent home. I was so nervous as we drove back to the hospital. All I kept thinking was please don't send me home again. When I was admitted I couldn't have been happier. Finally, we were going to meet our little girl.

And here we are three months later - Sweet Pea is getting close to rolling over. We are doing our best to get her to laugh. She is starting to really explore things with her hands (and mouth). She's growing. And it's incredible.