Six Years

Six years ago, RoadTripDaddy and I got married.  It was a crazy weekend full of love, family and friends.

I woke up early on our wedding day.  Very early.  I had spent the night at the site of our reception and had three of my bridesmaids with me.  I can't remember if I woke Lisa up or if she woke up from hearing me get up.  We decided to head to the hotel lobby so we didn't wake up my other bridesmaids.  We walked out of the room without leaving a note and without either of us grabbing our cell phones.

We chatted in the lobby as the hotel remained quiet in the early hours.  I attempted to get into the room our reception was going to be held in, but quickly realized the door was locked.  On the way out to our rehearsal the night before, I had looked into the room as the staff had started to set it up.  It seemed like the room was set up off (90 degrees off to be exact).  After I realized I wasn't going to be able to get in, I checked in at the front desk to see when the staff and event manager would be in to work on the room again.  Ignoring the fact that it was 5:30 am, I wanted to make sure the room was fixed before our reception that night.  Thankfully within about 30 minutes, I was able to talk to the event manager.  While she didn't believe me at first, once we both reviewed the set up plans on paper, she realized the error and promised it would be fixed by that evening.

With that checked off my list, Lisa and I then relaxed back in the lobby chairs and talked for a while longer.  My parents then walked in with some of our centerpieces.  We decided to help out and jumped in the car to head back to my parents to bring the remaining centerpieces.  At this point, it probably would have been a good idea to get my phone, call our room, or at least leave a note with the front desk to let my friends know that I hadn't run off.

When Lisa and I finally strolled back in the room just after 7:30 am, my two friends looked slightly panicked.  Unbeknownst to me, my groom-to-be had ordered a special breakfast for me and had his younger brother deliver it to my room.  My friends said something like I was still asleep or in the bathroom or something along those lines, accepted the breakfast, and ushered my soon-to-be brother-in-law on his way.  Somehow I managed not to run into him on my trip back to the room, even though I had missed him by roughly a minute.

As the day carried on and the 17 year cicadas sang a chorus loud enough you could hear it in the church, there were thousands of smiles, an outpouring of love and a pretty fabulous time if you ask me.

This morning at breakfast, RoadTripDaddy and I told Sweet Pea about our wedding.  We showed her our wedding album and talked about what a great day we had.  When Monkey finally made it out of bed, we told him about how special today was to our family.  Today we celebrated 6 years of marriage, 9+ years together, 2 beautiful children, friends who keep us smiling and family who keep us grounded. Thank you to everyone who was part of day six years ago and to everyone who has come through our lives in the time we have been together.

And to RoadTripDaddy...I love you more today than yesterday.  Happy Anniversary!

RoadTripMommy

What a difference a decade makes...

10 Years ago, I went to bed probably a couple hours from now as a college graduate.  It was the last night I spent living with my very best friends at the time.  It was a night full of promise and hope.  The world was our oyster, of course.  I was engaged, starting a full time job soon, and one week from my birthday.  My mother's day present to my mom that year was my graduation.  Graduation on Mother's Day was such a wonderful gift.  While my mom hadn't graduated from college (you would never know this), I could see the pride in her eyes after the ceremony.  My parents took pictures of me and my friends in our cap and gowns.  We were picture perfect.

10 Years ago, I woke up on May 11, 2003 and packed the remains of my college life into my parents car (and a truck I'm sure).  I hugged my very best friends goodbye and told my fiance I would see him soon.  I cried leaving my home for the last four years.  I cried leaving my very best friends.  But still...the world was our oyster, of course.  I thought about all the wonderful things coming up in my life.  A new job, wedding planning, and the official start of my life as a college graduate.

A little over one month later, I spent Father's Day crying.  My wedding was called off.  My heart was broken.  I called my parents and begged them to come get me.  I was visiting my fiance's father in the hospital and I wasn't sure I could drive home.  I hugged the women who I felt were part of my family, his mother and two sisters and cried.  I cried at the loss of my love.  I cried at the loss of what was supposed to be part of my new family.  My parents were there faster than I could have imagined.  I packed what was left of me into the car and cried the whole way home.

Tonight I go to bed married to the love of my life.  Our two little loves peacefully sleeping in their beds. My in laws are asleep in our house as well.  Half of my family is here with me tonight.  I am happier than I could have imagined 10 years ago.  While our life is not picture perfect, the world is a wonderful place filled with Sweet Pea and Monkey's laughter.  Instead of seeing the world as my oyster, I look in their eyes and am filled with hope.  The world is at their feet.

Tomorrow In a few hours, I will wake up and get ready to celebrate Monkey's birthday.  In less than a week, he will be 3 years old.  We will spend the day preparing for the party, from picking up the cake to wrapping that last present.  We will laugh and ticke and just enjoy our family.  We will see our families and some of our very best friends at the party and marvel over how big the kids are, how happy the little things make them, and have a fabulous time just being all together.  Most likely at the end of the day, I will cry; although the tears will not be of sadness or loss.  My tears on birthdays are always due to the amount of love I have in my heart.  The love that we receive from our friends and family.  The love of us.  We have the world at our feet.  It's our oyster, of course.

Farewell 2012

2012 has been quite the year for our family.  From Sweet Pea starting Preschool and Monkey going to daycare to my new job and RoadTripDaddy's continued success, there have been a lot of highs and certainly some lows mixed in as well.  I could write out a list of all the things that have happened, and go into great detail about the happiest and saddest moments from this year.  But instead, I want to focus on 2012 as a whole.  And yes...this will be sappy.  I just can't help it.

Personally, I have grown more this year than I thought possible.  I have been challenged and succeeded, tested and passed, pushed and pulled.  I don't remember a New Year's where I have been so at peace.  I'm really happy.  I feel blessed to have the people in my life that I do.  My family, my friends.  They mean the world to me.  If you would have told me a few years ago that some of these friendships would be in place, I wouldn't have believed you.  But the people that are a part of my life, make me feel lucky.  I could not be happier with my new job.  I didn't think it was possible to gain a second family in the workplace, but after 4 months at this job, the people I work with treat each other like family.  There is friendship, respect, trust, and a willingness to help each other out that I have never witnessed before.

As for RoadTripDaddy and I, we seem to have a new spark.  As in any marriage, it's a lot of work.  It should be.  Not hard work, but the kind of work that you get up in the morning, and take note, it's not just about you and your happiness.  I think we are all working on this.  It's not always easy to put someone's needs in front of your own.  I tease him and tell him that I love him more than he loves me.  But we both know that it's not a competition of who loves who more.  It's a team working together, making the most of the high points in life and being there for the other person when it feels like no one else is.

Sweet Pea has grown so much this year.  There are times when I look at pictures of her and she looks much older than her 3 years.  She looks like a little adult and there are moments where she has the attitude to match.  Sweet Pea keeps us on our toes with her questions, love of life and unending enthusiasm.  She loves to learn and really enjoys Preschool.

Monkey has gone from the quiet younger brother to being almost as talkative as Sweet Pea.  Once he started daycare, Monkey had a lot to say.  He is all boy and enjoys making me sweat as he jumps from the ottoman to the couch and back again.  Monkey also likes school and he keeps all the teachers on their toes with his charm.  He's got a lot of RoadTripDaddy in him.

As for this blog, I have been slacking.  I know that when I write, my mind feels lighter.  I know that I can keep the memories that sometimes slip away.  Like Sweet Pea saying "Oh my gosh!" whenever she is excited about something.  We heard this a lot on Christmas morning.  Or Monkey exclaiming "I found it!" when he saw a school bus while running errands one day.  It is one of my favorite memories from this year.  Or RoadTripDaddy looking at me and telling me that everything will be okay.  He has been my rock (cliche, I know - but it's true) and has kept me afloat more times than I can count.

So I look back on 2012 with happy tears in my eyes.  We are happy, healthy and ready to tackle all 2013 has to offer.

There are no words...

Yesterday morning as I laid in bed listening to Sweet Pea wake up in the other room, I checked Facebook to see if there was anything new.  I had hardly slept the night before and had been checking Facebook every so often trying to bore myself to sleep.

I came across a post from our local Patch website.  It read that a father and son had been found dead in the dad's garage.  I clicked the link and my eyes immediately filled with tears.  While I don't know the parents personally, I do know the son went to the same daycare/school Sweet Pea and Monkey go to.  In fact, while he is a little older than Sweet Pea, she was occasionally moved up to the Pre-K room with him.  Sweet Pea is the kind of girl who wants everyone to be included.  She makes fast friends and prides herself on knowing just about everyone that walks through the door, whether it's the kids or the parents.  I have no doubt that Sweet Pea has played with this little boy.  

I have had this family on my mind since I first heard about it.  I can't imagine the pain this mother is going through with the loss of her son.  It has left RoadTripDaddy and I speechless.  

Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers as everyone affected deals with this great loss.

Changes

In September I went from being a stay at home to working full time again.  Sweet Pea and Monkey are back at the same daycare/school they attended when I was working last year.  They are doing phenomenal.  I can't tell you how happy I am to see them both thriving in school.  The transition for me going back to work has been relatively smooth.  The only difference is that I know have an alarm clock to wake me up (2 hours earlier than I used to get up!).  I miss playing with the kids during the day but I know they are happy and we all seem to be in a pretty good routine already.

The week before I started back to work, I went to the doctor for a routine visit.  Turned out to not be so routine and the discussion of surgery came up.  I explained I really didn't have time for surgery as I was about to be starting a new job.  That all changed when some test results came back and my doctor told me that waiting on surgery wasn't a good idea.  I scheduled the surgery that day.  After talking it over with RoadTripDaddy and a lot of thought on my part, it seemed like it was time decide on kids.  Since I was already going to be under, we decided to get my tubes tied.  It was a decision that I am 100% sure on and have thought about for over 2 years now.  Sweet Pea and Monkey are all we could have dreamed for in children and we love them dearly.

As the surgery date got closer, I started pre-apologizing to people in my life.  I get nervous and it makes me a tad bitchy stressed.  I have a tendency to take that stress out on the people closest to me.  The surgery was yesterday and everything went well, with one complication.  One of the procedures the doctor was hoping to perform didn't work.  RoadTripDaddy said he could tell my doc was disappointed when she spoke with him after my surgery.  She truly is a wonderful doctor.  One of those doctors that you drive an hour to her office because you love her that much.  Even if it means driving a little over an hour to get to the hospital she works out of to deliver your children.  I'm pretty sure I have told her she can't retire a few times.  I didn't sleep well last night but that's to be expected.  I am on pain meds now and will be spending the next week in bed.  The munchkins are headed to Grandma and Grandpa's tonight so I have some more time to heal without having to deny snuggles.  If only snuggles and kisses healed all wounds.  :)

Two Surprises

On Saturday, RoadTripDaddy and I got the kids up early and headed out the door for the first of two surprises.  When we got to the train station, we told the kids we were taking a train ride.  Monkey LOVES trains.  They were very excited for their first train rides.  We boarded the train and headed towards the city.  The kids were enthralled looking out the windows.  It was fun to watch the excitement in their eyes.  Sweet Pea asked why we were stopping.  At every single station.  All 10 stops.  We had to change stations when we arrived downtown so we could head to our next surprise.  We walked the couple blocks to the Ogilvie and hung out for a bit until it was time to head to Ravinia.  On the train we told the kids that we were headed to see Laurie Berkner!  Sweet Pea kept asking if we were going then.  She later proceeded to tell a nice woman on the train that we were going to see Laurie about 15 times.  RoadTripDaddy and I figured she was excited.  However, this didn't stop her from asking why we were stopping again at every station.  This time there were 12 stops to question.

The kids had a blast at the concert and it was definitely worth the trip.  After the concert, we headed into the city and explored Millennium Park.  It was a ton of fun but we were exhausted by the time we finally made it home.  More about our weekend to come later.

Don't forget to enter to win a 6 month US Deluxe Membership to Ancestry.com and Family Tree Maker 2012.  You have until this Friday!  Click here to enter!

Is it Saturday yet?

Today was one of those days that felt longer than usual.  Little irritations and not so little things made today drag on.  It was a day that made me long for a weekend, even though the calendar says we just had one.

I don't want to rehash my whole day but thankfully it ended on a mostly positive note.  After not seeing my counselor for three weeks I was anxious to talk through things with her tonight.  She reminds me that I must take care of myself.  She makes me feel like even though today was a total fail in my eyes, I made it through and not all days are like this.  A well timed email from Maureen and Amy had me looking forward to next week.  And finally, a chat with K had me smiling and relaxed.

I'm looking forward to the weekend and the adventure it will bring.  We are taking the kids to Ravinia for the first time (it's our first time too) to see Laurie Berkner.  We haven't told the kids yet what we are doing.  We are also riding the train for the first time, which we are hoping they enjoy.  RoadTripDaddy and I are really looking forward to it.  And I can't wait to see the looks on Sweet Pea and Monkey's faces when we tell them who we are seeing.  

I'm not ready

Sweet Pea starts preschool in August.  She will be in school two days a week for two hours.  She won't be gone that long.  And I will probably quickly realize how much or how little I can get done with one child twice a week for two hours.  But right now, I'm not ready.

Sweet Pea has been missing school (full day daycare) since I have been home.  For the first three months I was home, we had regular visits to her school.  We visited her teachers and friends for less than an hour once a week.  Sweet Pea hated leaving.  The visits tapered off, but whenever we drove past the school (several times a week), she would ask if we were going or when we could go next.  

After being home for six months, one of her old daycare teachers moved back to the area and started watching the kids for a couple hours twice a week.  Having Miss Shutterbug back in our life was a blessing.  Sweet Pea and Monkey loved having her visit.  And I loved having the chance to go to the grocery store on my own, during daylight hours, to get our weekly shopping done.  I ran seven errands, got lunch and made it back early the first day Miss S was back in our lives.  In May, Miss S moved away again.  And the calls for school increased from Sweet Pea.  

In June, we picked a preschool.  Technically, we picked it in April but didn't get around to letting them know (read paying registration) until a few weeks ago.  Since that time, RoadTripDaddy and I have talked more about school with Sweet Pea.  She is beyond excited.  In fact, Sweet Pea wants to go to school so badly that after financial registration (for preschool not college), she had a total meltdown in the parking lot because  she didn't want to leave.  During the meltdown, RoadTripDaddy was left to contend with Sweet Pea, while I hightailed it to the car with Monkey, silently praying that no one looked outside.

The next night at dinner Sweet Pea calmly tells RoadTripDaddy and I that she wants to go to school.  She explained that we "don't need to worry because I won't miss you while I'm at school."  Sweet Pea asked if she could take her little brother.  She said that she wanted Monkey to be with her.  She wanted him to meet her friends and learn too.  RoadTripDaddy and I looked at each other with smiles.  And tears rolled down my cheeks.  Because "she's ready."  She "won't miss us."  We "shouldn't worry."

She may be ready but I'm not.  Thankfully I know that we have another month before school.  And I'm pretty sure she will miss us.  Even if it's just a little.

Pain

I've had a pain that comes and goes in my lower abdomen for the past month. The best way to describe it is as a sharp jab when I move. It's always in the same spot. I assumed I was tweaking a muscle as the pain would come and go in an instant. On Sunday night the pain came but didn't stop. In fact, by Monday morning I contemplated calling the doctor. I just wanted to schedule something for that week.

After talking to the scheduler, nurse and someone else, I was told I needed to be seen today. Right away if possible. It could be an ovarian cyst, I was told. It could rupture, the nurse warned. I explained that coming in right away was not possible as I was not only home with my two little ones but I was also watching a friend's three month old on her first day back to work after maternity leave. The nurse pushed and I agreed to an afternoon appointment when my friend K was supposed to be over. The appointment coincided with Sweet Pea and Monkey's naps and we could always hope the little guy would sleep too. I left the house and told K I would be back ASAP, an hour max. Everyone was asleep and I rushed to the doctor to get the appointment over with.

As I spoke with the initial nurse, my eyes welled up with tears due to the pain. I apologized and steadied myself. She asked about my level of pain. After two kids, one regular birth and one emergency c-section; my determination on pain always goes against those memories. I said 6. Maybe less when I'm not moving. The nurse practitioner came in and started a brief exam consisting of me laying down on the table (amid a few more tears) and her pushing on my left side (my pain is on my right). She also asked about my level of pain. At this point it was getting worse, I upped it to a 7 with shooting pains of an 8. While she was still pushing on my left side I explained that it hurt on my right side. She asked how it felt when she stopped pushing and lifted her hand. I just about screamed in pain and smacked the wall next to me. Apparently I also lifted my body off the table. She looked flustered and said she would be right back. My regular doctor then came in and did some very light (according to her) touching on my right side and I bit my lip and tried not to cry. I was told they didn't have the capability to help me at the office and that I needed to go to the hospital. RIGHT AWAY. Then I cried. Because I couldn't. I had my car with the car seats with me. And K was at my house with three kids. And the baby was supposed to be picked up in a couple hours. And my husband is at work. I can't go to the hospital now. They asked if I drove myself. Of course I had. I was told again that I needed to go to the hospital. And I needed a ride or they would call an ambulance. I asked for an hour to figure things out.

Many phone calls later, RoadTripDaddy was on his way home to be with the kids, K would come take me to the hospital and my other friend's husband would pick up their little one within an hour or so. I felt sick. I felt horrible have RoadTripDaddy leave work. I just wanted to restart my day. I should have waited to call the doctor. Anything other than having people rearrange their schedule to help.

K arrived and took me to the hospital. During triage, I was again asked about my level of pain. I explained that it wasn't as bad as childbirth, but that it was continuing to get worse. An 8 for standing still and a 9-10 for shooting pains. K stayed with me until she absolutely had to leave for class. I tried to kick her out over and over again but she stuck with me as long as she could. It took 2 hours for me to get a room. It was over an hour before I saw a doctor. And an hour and a half before I got the ultrasound she recommended.

Total time in the ER was 6 hours (which actually isn't that bad I know). But it ended up that RoadTripDaddy and the kids came up. And a hospital is a rough place for a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old. Especially in the witching hours before dinner. It was stressful. The pain never got better while I was there despite the pain meds and shot of morphine I received.

In the end, I was told that the ultrasound came back fine. No cysts. No ectopic pregnancy. Blood work was fine. Great, right? But it felt like a waste to me. The stress. The changing of schedules. The ER doc said I could get a CT scan but she wasn't sure what that was going to show. She threw out a couple possible diagnoses but mentioned that some of them were unlikely. And she did this all as she was getting ready to discharge me. At this point I wanted to go home. She told me to follow up with my doctor. That's scheduled for today.

I talked to a different friend yesterday who mentioned that "we all know you have no tolerance when it comes to pain.". She chuckled and I choked out a laugh and said sure. The thing is, she doesn't know me that well and she certainly doesn't know my tolerance for pain. Before I had kids, I thought I couldn't handle pain. Two kids later, I'm pretty impressed with myself. There are times that I will say "Ow!" when I'm not hurt and I will correct myself and say it didn't hurt that much or at all. However, when it's something the kids have done, that's a different story. It's more of a warning. Especially with Monkey. He is a rough and tough little boy. He crashes cars into each other, the walls and my feet. And into Sweet Pea's feet. And her legs. And her head if he's angry at her. I want him to understand that things hurt and that it's not nice to hurt people. So while outsiders may think that's a low threshold for pain, they would be wrong.

I didn't realize how angry I was about that comment until I realized that it made me feel like my pain wasn't real or important. It made me feel like I should have ignored it. It made me feel like I wasn't worth the trip to the ER. While I know this is my issue, it's something that I need to watch. My reaction to things like this effect my children. If I think it's not necessary to take care of myself and follow my doctor's instructions, what will they think? And what will they think if other people play down the importance of taking care of yourself or others?

Helen's smile

This morning, RoadTripDaddy's grandmother died.  She was 99 years old.  While my husband was not close with her, it is still a rough day for him.  It is his last grandparent.  The last grandparent between the two of us, as I was in this place 7 years ago.  His father's mother.  Our children's great-grandmother, who I'm thankful they were able to meet and visit on a few occasions.  While I know there will be little to no memory of her for them, I will carry the memories with me. 

I remember bringing the kids to meet Helen for the first time.  I remember her eyes lighting up as she held Monkey.  They were in awe of each other and it was so sweet.  Sweet Pea was timid around Helen during our visit, choosing instead to look out the windows of the nursing room cafeteria and wander around the room.  She loved the attention she received from the nurses and other patients and therefore, chose her audience.  But Monkey, he was happy to have the attention of Helen. 

I have spent the day reminded of Helen's smile when she met Monkey.  And while this day, week and month have left me stressed beyond belief, that smile and joy are keeping me afloat today.

Decisions

Since I had Monkey almost 2 years ago, RoadTripDaddy and I have said we were done having kids. That decision is based on a few key factors.

When I was just over 6 months pregnant with Monkey, I got sick. I had horrible pain in my abdomen and a fever that wouldn't quit. It ended with me in the hospital for 4 days and almost won me a trip to a different hospital in the city for more testing. The diagnosis ended up being an infection. However, over the course of 4 days I saw just about every doctor/specialist, had an MRI and an amniocentesis. The result of an MRI showed on one single image the possibility of a blood clot in my ovary. The amnio showed no infection and the news that I would not be delivering that day. I learned later I was also missing a protein in my blood that could lead to clots.

Fast forward to my delivery with Monkey. What started out as a normal delivery turned into an emergency c-section when his heart rate fell to 48. I was very nervous during the c-section, especially as I heard the doctors quickly count through all the medical supplies to ensure they could get him out ASAP. My Monkey was not only face up, he had the cord wrapped around his neck and he was holding onto it. The doctor had to pry his hand off it. But all was well, when I heard him cry. I feed him before I passed out from the medication and then Monkey was taken to the nursery to get checked out and I was put in recovery.

When I was conscious again, Monkey was brought in for a second feeding. It didn't go well and I told the nurse to please feed him. I wasn't upset. I just wanted my little guy to get feed. I was told all c-section babies spend their first night in the nursery. I was exhausted and agreed.

A nurse returned shortly and told me there had been a problem feeding him and a doctor would be right in. The neonatoligist arrived and explained that Monkey had a dusty episode. Basically he had trouble with the feeding, choked a little and turned gray/blue. He was doing fine now, but they wanted to check him out. After checking his sugar levels, then following up 30 minutes later, his levels fell in half. This was the opposite of what they were supposed to do. The neonatoligist attacked me with a barrage of questions (while I'm sure he wasn't really attacking me that's what it felt like and that's still how I remember it).

Was I diabetic? (No) Are you sure? (Yes) Did you have gestational diabetes? (No - didn't I just answer this?) Was I sure? (Yes) Does anyone in my family have diabetes? (No) Are you sure? (Yes) Does anyone in your husband's family have diabetes? (No and I'm sure) Are you positive? (Yes - in my head: Are you effin kidding me? How many times are you going to ask this question?) One more final check to see if I was a diabetic and off the doctor went. I was told by the nurse that Monkey was being admitted to the NICU and he was going to be checked out.

Over the course of the next four days, Monkey stayed in the NICU. I stayed in my room, alone (by my choice. I told RoadTripDaddy to please stay with Sweet Pea at home to keep her in a routine until we were home. I figured there was no point in him missing work while I sat in a hospital room with no baby. Everytime I thought we would get some news about Monkey being released the NICU doctor had another concern. From a slow resting heart rate to the possibility of blood on his brain, Monkey had a rough start. The doctor ever told me she wanted to keep him for one additional day, after we had 36+ hours of no issues, just in case. This would have kept him at the hospital after I was released. RoadTripDaddy and I discussed this, spoke to my OB and Monkey's pediatrician. I told the doctor that if Monkey was fine on that Thursday morning, I wanted to take him home. We had plans to see the pediatrician that Friday. I said if there were any concerns by his pediatrician or any issues at all that we would come right back to the hospital. Thursday afternoon Monkey was released and we all went home. The final diagnosis was Monkey was adjusting to a traumatic birth. And that diagnosis pretty much stuck for RoadTripDaddy and I as well. It was traumatic for all of us.

Looking back now, I can clearly see that my postpartum depression started in the hospital. But it was 6 weeks before I was diagnosed and 8 weeks before the medicine and counseling started. At 6 weeks, Monkey had an upper GI and was put on medicine for acid reflux. He had heavy spit up or threw up after every meal for the first year. We all had a traumatic start after Monkey's birth. And it took time for us to get things figured out.

I was able to stop all medication three months before Monkey's first birthday. I still see my counselor but the conversations have changed. The conversations of late have focused on decisions. Going though postpartum and being diagnosed with the possibility of a blood clot that could threaten any pregnancy or me, has put us in a position where we are usually comfortable saying we are done having kids.

We have two beautiful, happy, wonderful children. Sweet Pea, who is all girl with a side of sass and Monkey, who is all boy with a smile and hug that melts our hearts. But at the same time, as we have gotten closer to making our decision permanent, both our doctors have interceded. As my OB told me today, I have about 14 more years where I could have another child. (In my head that number is actually about 4 more years.) She reminded me that I am young and we are talking about something that is permanent. I brought up that any pregnancy would be high risk and she agreed. I would have to be careful as that pregnancy could be harmful to our child as well as me. And that's where fear steps in. I know most people are uncomfortable with the unknown. But this scares the crap out of me. I don't want to make a decision based on fear. So at the end of the day, I feel like we are back at the same point. We are taking this one day at a time. Not ready to close the door on another child. A place I thought we walked away from almost 2 years ago.

Hello Again...

It's been too long since I have written and I don't really have an excuse.

I have been getting into the stay at home mom role. And it's been a challenge. There are days when I feel like I'm failing. Okay, it's every day. But I know my kids are happy, healthy and getting all the love they need so in the end, the fact that some days are crazy are just par for the course.

Why don't friends with kids have time? TELL ME ABOUT IT

I came across this article on Facebook today and did a quick Google search to find the original article.  I ended up also stumbling on 1 Bad Mom's blog and her comments.  This pretty much sums it all up.  Follow the link to see what I mean.

Why don't friends with kids have time? TELL ME ABOUT IT

The year of the family...

I had no idea when I wrote that 2011 would be the year of the family that it would be like this at the half way point.  I have been through my share of ups and downs this year and I'm still working on letting go and going with the flow.

First things first...in June 2010 - six weeks after Monkey was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression.  I have been seeing a counselor and was on medication.  Early this year, I decided to end the medication.  I had been weaning on and off of it throughout the holiday season (probably not my wisest decision) and had focused on taking a step back and a deep breath before freaking out about things and about myself.  I had struggled so much with how I was feeling.  I hated that I felt differently than I did when Sweet Pea was born.  I hated that I felt I couldn't control my feelings and emotions or reactions with people.  I hated that I was so angry.  But in working with the most wonderful counselor, I had started to forgive myself.  I started to see that no one was doing things intentionally to hurt me.  I started to see that I was okay and there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  So in January I decided I was done with the medication completely.  I didn't need it anymore.  I just needed to remember what we had talked about.  I needed to remember that it was okay that I felt a certain way.  And I needed to remember that my family was not going to think less of me because of the struggles I went through.  I still see my counselor every couple weeks and I'm open about it.  I'm not hiding what I went through.  And as my counselor says, "one day I will be a phenomenal resource for someone going through the same thing."

Moving on...

In the middle of February a friend mentioned an opening at her office that intrigued me.  I had been bored at work for the past year and frustrated for at least two years with what I was doing.  I never thought I would leave but the opportunity presented itself and I jumped.  I got the job and put in my two weeks notice.  It was a flood of emotions that I wasn't prepared for.  After seven and a half years, I was really leaving.  I walked out the door on my last day a little shell shocked.  I started my new job the next day.

I was so excited.  I did well to start then started to slow down.  I wasn't worried.  I just kept working and busting my butt.  I moved from working a half desk to a full desk and again hit the ground running.  Things were moving along then they faltered.  And try as I may, I couldn't get one area to get back up.  I talked to my supervisor, I expressed my concern and said I was trying.  I was told that it would come around.  Then Sweet Pea got sick and Monkey fell at daycare cutting his nose and he got sick too.  So I was home with the kids.  Monday, Tuesday and most of Wednesday with Sweet Pea.  Monkey joined us Wednesday afternoon and both kids were home for the week.'  Thursday June 9th was my fourth wedding anniversary.  My anniversary present was going to work.  Road Trip Daddy's present was staying home with the kiddos.

I was thrilled to go into work and be able to control my day.  I hated that I couldn't make Sweet Pea or Monkey better and the little control I had at work was what I needed to recharge.  I was already planning on staying home Friday with the kids, so the one day of work was welcome.  I got to work and focused hard.  I was determined to give it 110%.  Just before 4pm, pay checks were handed out and my boss grabbed me for a quick minute.  Less than 30 seconds into her office and I was told I was being let go.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I tried to think straight.  She apologized, several times in our conversation.  I didn't know what to say.  She asked if there was anything she could do.  The only thing I could say was "Yeah, can you call my husband and tell him I don't have a job?"  I spent the next 10 minutes gathering my thoughts, updating my supervisor on any information she needed and then packed up the few belongings there and walked out the door.  My boss walked me to the elevator and I tried to keep my composure until the elevator came.  I gasped for air as the doors to the elevator opened.  I wanted to be sick.  I prayed for no one to be on the elevator so I could retreat to my car and breathe, scream, cry, whatever.  The elevator went down one floor and stopped.  Are you kidding me?  A middle age man got on the elevator silently.  One more floor and we stop again.  This is just cruel.  Another person joins us.  I don't know if it's a man or woman because I'm staring at the floor trying to stay on my feet.  We make it to the first floor and I step off the elevator.

I call Road Trip Daddy from the car.  No answer.  I leave a message - "We need to talk, call me back soon."  He gets my message about 20 minutes later and at this point I'm 10 minutes from home.  "I'll talk to you when I get home, I'm almost there" is all I say when I answer the phone.  We hang up and I try to come up with what I'm going to say.  I have taken a risk by leaving my job of over seven years for this.  I had taken a significant pay cut with the potential for more money based on commissions.  I feel like a fool.  I feel like a failure.  I worry that Road Trip Daddy will be disappointed in me.  I wish more than anything at that moment at I hadn't left my job.  It's not at all how I expected to be spending my anniversary.

When I walk in at home, I'm greeted by screams of delight at my arrival.  Sweet Pea rounds the corner and greets me with a big hug and kiss.  Monkey is trailing behind her and grabs my legs.  I pick him up and meet Road Trip Daddy in the kitchen.  We hug and I ask what the worst thing I could tell him right now.  He shakes his head and I finally get the words out of my mouth.  "I don't have a job anymore."  I start crying.  "I'm sorry," I say.  He hugs me tighter.  "It's okay.  We are fine.  We are going to be fine."  With those three sentences, I feel slightly lighter.  The stress of telling him are gone and I take a deep breath.

I told my parents later that night and since then we have only told a few close friends.  I knew at some point I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I just wasn't planning on it for another 3 years or so.  I have been settling into the SAHM role but I am still looking into going back to work...just not quite yet.

So here we are...halfway through the year of the family.  We are planning getaways for the summer and I'm looking forward to all the time I get to spend with Sweet Pea and Monkey (even if they are driving me crazy for half of it!)

It has been one year...

It has been a year since the last time I posted.  It has been less time since I have written but for some reason I never posted those.  And of course, so much has changed in the last year.

• Baby boy, Monkey, as we lovingly refer to him, was born on May 16th.  One day before my 29th birthday.  It was an ordeal - but that's for another post.
• I have postpartum depression that I have been working on since Monkey was 8 weeks old.  It has been a long and tedious road, but I am getting better.
• Sweet Pea has learned to walk, run, climb stairs, etc.  She talks non-stop, narrating her life to us.  RoadTripDaddy and I love it, well...most of the time.
• Monkey is in constant motion.  He moves lightening fast even though he is not crawling on all fours yet. He has perfected the army crawl and can cross a room in the time it takes me to write this sentence.  Monkey is also pulling himself up on things.  As of this morning, he is now able to pull himself all the way up to his feet.  I'm not ready for this.
• We moved Sweet Pea to a toddler bed - her crib converted.  The first night of sleep went great.  Every night since that (over 2 weeks) has been not good.  Most nights we are awoken at 12:45am or 2:30am.  It's awesome...
• As of tonight, Sweet Pea has decided that when we leave her room after the bedtime routine, if she is awake, she will get out of bed and follow us - wailing - into the hallway or our bedroom.  Another awesome finding.
• I have made resolutions (not for New Years) that I have vowed to keep - and my number one priority is making 2011 "the year of our family."

In the last year, I have learned so much from my friends, family, Sweet Pea and Monkey.  I'm trying to keep these lessons of patience, understanding, forgiveness, wonder, excitement, and joy in the forefront of my mind.  I'm trying to take things less personally.  I'm trying to ease up on myself.  As I found this Christmas, there is only so much I can control.  I can't go back...I can't change what has happened.  I can only learn from it and move forward.  

"Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

One day this will be funny...

But at this point, I'm tired and crabby.

We are in Michigan this weekend for Sweet Pea's first birthday party (round 1). We are having a party here today for all my relatives then another party next weekend for the rest of my family and our local friends.

This weekend has started with a few hiccups that are just getting on my nerves. On Friday at work, I was assigned a task that needed to be completed by Tuesday. Not a big deal right...except I can't get into the system and the internet goes down at our office so I waste the entire morning trying to work. Keeping in mind, we have Monday off I know that I will be working this weekend. The weekend we are out of town celebrating Sweet Pea's 1st birthday. Before I leave work, I save my work on my computer and head home.

At home, RoadTripDaddy and I get ready to leave while Sweet Pea dances while her music table plays song after song. I decide to bring our home computer with us this weekend as it's much lighter than my work pc. I figure I can work in the car on the drive in and get as much work done as possible. I hope that I can finish everything before we get here. Saturday morning I wake up realizing that I didn't email the document I need to myself and it's instead sitting on my work computer at home - an hour away.

I spent an hour before we leave desperately trying to access the system to run my report. No luck...so several text messages and emails go out begging for some help. I get the report - just a crucial column from a work friend - so I still can't get my work done. Awesome.

When we got to the hotel, we are informed that while we do have a reservation it's just not for this weekend. It's for next weekend. Thankfully this isn't a problem as there are rooms available. Another small snafu but after a long car ride and my general frustration with having to work, I'm not amused.

Did I mention that we are sharing our hotel room with my parents? Oh yeah, and we are sleeping on the fold out couch. Nothing like a crappy mattress and paper thin sheets to make for a comfy night. There's a blanket too that I'm sure is a hand me down from a local hospital. So this morning when Sweet Pea woke up at 3:30am Central Time and finally fell back asleep with her feet jammed in my ribs, I decided that it's not that bad to be awake and got out of bed.

So I'm sitting in the lobby of our hotel wondering just when I can get breakfast around here. Here's hoping I can take a nap later this morning before the party...

This will be amusing some day, but right now I'm tired, crabby and hungry.

This morning, I saw news coverage for the first time. I have been trying to avoid the images because I can't handle the pain and suffering right now. Please take a moment to donate in any way you can help the people of Haiti. This is a country without a net. While I had a crappy start to my weekend, I feel blessed to have my family and friends safe and healthy.

You can click on any of the following links to donate:

Red Cross

Clinton Bush Haiti Fund

UNICEF (1-800-4UNICEF)

Direct Relief

Yele Haiti

Partners in Health

Red Cross

World Food Program

Mercy Corps (1-888-256-1900)

Save the Children

Lambi Fund

Doctors Without Borders

The International Rescue Committee

Care

William J. Clinton Foundation

Meds & Food For Kids

Feed the Children

Habitat for Humanity

If you can't donate financially, please consider donating a pint of blood. My friend is running her Third Annual Blood Drive. You can find out about it by clicking here.

Wordless Wednesday

20 weeks

This was Day 5 (I think). I'm not in my flickr account right now and I'm not in the mood to find out. This is the first present RoadTripDaddy bought for the new baby. He brought this and a card home the day after (I think) we found out I was pregnant. It's the only thing we have bought for the baby. I am nervous that if I start shopping for the new little one I will go overboard. And that's probably not a good idea. Also, I would feel like I would need to get stuff for Sweet Pea too. And she will be a year old in two weeks (as of 4:29 this afternoon). So, I think we are set on presents for the moment.

Back to the topic of this post - yesterday was the 20 week mark for this pregnancy. Half way there. I can't believe it. At this point in my pregnancy with Sweet Pea, both RoadTripDaddy and I were convinced we were having a boy. And everyone was all to willing to give their opinions on the matter as well. Because I was carrying like I was having a boy. Or so I kept being told. The week of my ultrasound last time people kept asking me whether I thought Sweet Pea was a boy or girl. And I repeated over and over what I believed, that I was pregnant with a boy. I didn't tell people that I had changed my mind. That I was sure we were having a girl. See, we had a name set for a boy. And we had stopped looking at names - but part of that was that I was just so sick of repeating names over and over again trying to figure out how my child could be teased with each name I liked. I announced to RoadTripDaddy at 18 weeks that it didn't make sense to keep looking at names. We had the appointment set and there was no point in looking for a girl name too unless we were told something different at that appointment.

Going back to whether I thought we were having a boy or girl, the week of my ultrasound I became convinced (although I didn't share this with anyone) that we were having a girl. Because I was totally unprepared for having a girl. Because I didn't have a name for a girl. Because I thought RoadTripDaddy wanted a boy. Because I thought I wanted a boy. So on that day, during the ultrasound as we talked with the ultrasound tech and looked at the different parts of Sweet Pea's little body, we saw Sweet Pea's arms and RoadTripDaddy mentioned our little one becoming a pitcher for the Cubs. The technician looked scanned down further on Sweet Pea, looked at us and said our little one will be more likely waving her arms at a Miley Cyrus concert than pitching in a major league baseball game. Tears filled my eyes. I looked back at RoadTripDaddy worried he would be upset. And there were tears in his eyes. But he wasn't upset. He was happy. He squeezed my hand and we continued the ultrasound. I wiped away the tears and knew that we would be okay. I knew that it didn't matter if we were having a girl or boy. Sweet Pea was healthy and we were halfway to meeting our little girl.

My 20 week ultrasound is this Friday at 3pm. We will once again be finding out if the little one will be a boy or girl. I'm convinced we are having a girl. And having panic attacks that it will be a boy and I won't have any clue what to do. But truthfully, as long as the baby is healthy I will be happy either way.

Happy New Year!

Well, here it is. My first picture of 2010. Sweet Pea was crawling around my in-laws dining room. She had us all laughing as she crawled around making her presence known by "yelling" with each move. We had a great New Years Eve and a wonderful weekend at my in-laws with some of my husband's siblings. We were missing his younger brother, but we did get to talk to him just after midnight. Hope you all had a great time ringing in 2010.

2009 comes to a close

This is a long post. If you are too lazy to read the whole post (or just want the good stuff - head down to the last 2 paragraphs!)

I don't normally make New Year's resolutions. It's not that I don't believe in them or I think I will set myself up for failure. I just think that waiting for a particular day to occur to make a change in your life (hopefully positive) is a silly idea. If I decide in June that I want to volunteer more, why wait until January 1st to contact the charities I hold dear to my heart? Why not call that day and ask how I can help out?

A few months after Sweet Pea was born, I saw that a blogger (and no, I don't have any idea who it was) was taking a picture of their baby every day for the first year of their life. What a great idea I thought. Why didn't I think of that? It wasn't like I didn't have 2000 pictures of her by her second month (because I did). But there was something about starting or ending or at least acknowledging every day with a picture of Sweet Pea's life.

I told myself it was too late for Sweet Pea. How could I start that now? What with her being 4 months old and all? So I didn't. And I regret it. Because how cool would it be to see how much she has changed. I know she has. I can see it in the pictures framed at my desk and the rotating background on my computer.

It's been a crazy year for our family. I know 2009 has been awful for some people (for a lot of people). But all in all, 2009 has been good to the RoadTripFamily. We went from a married couple (family of 2) to a family of three with Sweet Pea brightening our days. While I received news that I had tumors in my thyroid that needed to be removed, I learned they weren't cancer. And I was grateful. And a week before my husband's birthday, we found out that I'm expecting again. It was a rough first month and there were concerns of miscarriage. But I can tell you that I'm 19 weeks along and looking forward to our ultrasound next week. We've had our ups and downs, but there's been a lot of love. I look forward to 2010 with some nerves, but mostly I'm excited to see what will happen next.

On that note, I have decided on two resolutions for 2010. After seeing OHMommy wrap up her year in pictures on Twitter, I have decided to challenge myself to a year of pictures. I plan to share some on this blog but mostly, it's for the RoadTripFamily. We have a lot to see in the next year. From Sweet Pea's 1st birthday to baby 2 to our 3rd wedding anniversary and 4 weddings (so far). Secondly, my goal when starting this blog was to post as often as I could. And I admit, I could have posted more often. So in 2010, I am resolving to post at least once a week (please note that could mean a Monday of week 1 and Saturday of week 2 - because I'm ambitious but let's be serious). While these may seem like minor resolutions to you (and anyone else I tell), it's about a commitment to RoadTripFamily and our life together. They are the best part of my day.

Happy New Year everyone!