2009 comes to a close

This is a long post. If you are too lazy to read the whole post (or just want the good stuff - head down to the last 2 paragraphs!)

I don't normally make New Year's resolutions. It's not that I don't believe in them or I think I will set myself up for failure. I just think that waiting for a particular day to occur to make a change in your life (hopefully positive) is a silly idea. If I decide in June that I want to volunteer more, why wait until January 1st to contact the charities I hold dear to my heart? Why not call that day and ask how I can help out?

A few months after Sweet Pea was born, I saw that a blogger (and no, I don't have any idea who it was) was taking a picture of their baby every day for the first year of their life. What a great idea I thought. Why didn't I think of that? It wasn't like I didn't have 2000 pictures of her by her second month (because I did). But there was something about starting or ending or at least acknowledging every day with a picture of Sweet Pea's life.

I told myself it was too late for Sweet Pea. How could I start that now? What with her being 4 months old and all? So I didn't. And I regret it. Because how cool would it be to see how much she has changed. I know she has. I can see it in the pictures framed at my desk and the rotating background on my computer.

It's been a crazy year for our family. I know 2009 has been awful for some people (for a lot of people). But all in all, 2009 has been good to the RoadTripFamily. We went from a married couple (family of 2) to a family of three with Sweet Pea brightening our days. While I received news that I had tumors in my thyroid that needed to be removed, I learned they weren't cancer. And I was grateful. And a week before my husband's birthday, we found out that I'm expecting again. It was a rough first month and there were concerns of miscarriage. But I can tell you that I'm 19 weeks along and looking forward to our ultrasound next week. We've had our ups and downs, but there's been a lot of love. I look forward to 2010 with some nerves, but mostly I'm excited to see what will happen next.

On that note, I have decided on two resolutions for 2010. After seeing OHMommy wrap up her year in pictures on Twitter, I have decided to challenge myself to a year of pictures. I plan to share some on this blog but mostly, it's for the RoadTripFamily. We have a lot to see in the next year. From Sweet Pea's 1st birthday to baby 2 to our 3rd wedding anniversary and 4 weddings (so far). Secondly, my goal when starting this blog was to post as often as I could. And I admit, I could have posted more often. So in 2010, I am resolving to post at least once a week (please note that could mean a Monday of week 1 and Saturday of week 2 - because I'm ambitious but let's be serious). While these may seem like minor resolutions to you (and anyone else I tell), it's about a commitment to RoadTripFamily and our life together. They are the best part of my day.

Happy New Year everyone!

Update!

Well folks - it's been way too long.

I had my surgery on Thursday, August 13th. I was told when I woke up that they only took out the left side of my thyroid and the bridge to the right side. This was the plan if the test results came back clear. I was relieved, but still wanted to hear the official word from the doctor after the tumors were really thoroughly checked out. On Saturday, August 15th, I received a call at home. The results were in - NO CANCER! I repeated this news from the nurse. I felt a little better - okay, okay - I felt a lot better! But something was nagging at me. I needed to hear it from the doctor's mouth. My follow up visit was the next week and I let out a huge sigh of relief when I heard the doctor say the tumors weren't cancerous. Relief, finally!

I was off work for three weeks as my doctor was not fond of my commute. Something about driving an hour each way while I couldn't turn my head didn't sit well with him. Unfortunately, I didn't get to spend that time with Sweet Pea. Instead, every morning off to the sitter she went. I was sad to be home and not able to spend time with her but I knew it was best for my recovery. My neck is one of her play spots. She scratches at it, plays with my necklace and pokes at it. Not a good idea when I have stitches.

It's been just over 4 months from my surgery and I'm starting to look at my scar less in the morning and any time I catch my reflection. It's not the first thing I notice. But I see it everyday. I know that people see it too. I saw a friend for the first time in two years and the moment I took off my scarf she blurted out, "What happened to your neck?!?" That hit me hard. I was reminded that it's noticeable. That people see it when they look at me. But I take it in stride, try not to be vain and remember that the results of that surgery were positive. I do not have cancer. I do not need radiation. I am so lucky.

I am so lucky.

Waiting

So I now have six long weeks to think about my surgery. To fret, freak out and be a complete and utter you-know-what to my husband. Because he is the one that gets the brunt of my fear and anger. I try to apologize at every chance for my behavior. There's no excuse. My friends tell me it's understandable. But really, I'm not a nice person for this time. And he doesn't deserve that. Not at all.

It turns out that postponing surgery does not make it better. In fact, it gives your daymares (or at least that's what I'm calling them). For the three weeks leading up to my surgery I go from worry to obsession to panic. I am consumed with fear about what will happen. After two long weeks of awful behavior on my part, I finally explain to my husband what has been happening. I start with another apology and then say, "Every day for the past two weeks, a thousand times a day, I die on the operating table during my surgery. And the one or two times a day that I don't die, I have cancer."

I explain that these are my daydreams, nightmares throughout the day - daymares. I tell him that it doesn't end when I go to sleep - all night long, I play these over and over in my head. I am more exhausted than before. He does what he has done a hundred times since we were at the doctor's office. He pulls me close, gives me a hug, and tells me that everything will be okay. And I want to believe him. But part of me feels that something isn't right. I ask for him to keep telling me this everyday. Because until it's over and we have the test results, I won't believe it. But I will try...

It's been a while...

And I've missed you...

Things have been all sorts of crazy over here. So let's start at the beginning. I will be posting several times over the next couple days so I don't end up with another ridiculously long post.

Let's start with the rest of the doctor issues...

I received a call at work with the results of the biopsy the Tuesday after my appointment. The nurse says "The results of your biopsy are back. You have a thyroid tumor. Cancer can't be determined." I was told I would need to make a follow up appointment to talk to the doctor to figure out our next steps. I scheduled the next available appointment - Thursday. I have tried to stay positive up to this point. I have believed that everything was going to be okay. And instead, I am dumbfounded by this news. This was not supposed to happen. I was not prepared for this...

I call my husband. Repeat those three sentences and burst into tears. He tells me we will get this figured out and everything will be okay. We have nothing to worry about until we talk to the doctor and he tells us to worry. I say okay and tell him we will talk tonight. All I want to do is be with him and that's not an option for the next few hours.

I text a friend in another part of the building and ask her to meet me in the lobby. We walk around the office parking lot and I cry. I make vain comments about my neck being the only thing that didn't get fat on me while I was pregnant. I talk about the possibility of surgery and cancer and what will happen with my husband and Sweet Pea. My friend calms me down and we walk back into work. Thankfully, I am about 30 minutes from my scheduled time to leave so I wrap up my work and fly out the door at 4.

At the doctor's office on Thursday, he recommends surgery. And he recommends it sooner rather than later due to the size of the tumors. I have a list of questions and the doctor answers them one by one making sure we understand everything. I have my husband with me because I have been known to leave the doctor's office with no recollection of what was said. And because he wouldn't have been anywhere else but by my side. He's good like that.

I'm sure I'm smiling like an idiot throughout this appointment. In fact, the doctor mentions that I seem awfully calm about this recommendation of surgery. My husband said we thought this might be what you recommended. I nod along like an absent minded fool while in my head I'm screaming - THIS IS MY WORST CASE SCENARIO! YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT SLICING OPEN MY THROAT! I'M NOT OKAY WITH THIS! I'M NOT OKAY!!!

The appointment wraps up and I schedule the surgery for Thursday, August 13th - approximately 6 weeks later, because I'm not ready for this. I'm not okay. I'm scared.