It's been too long since I have written and I don't really have an excuse.
I have been getting into the stay at home mom role. And it's been a challenge. There are days when I feel like I'm failing. Okay, it's every day. But I know my kids are happy, healthy and getting all the love they need so in the end, the fact that some days are crazy are just par for the course.
Showing posts with label RoadTripFamily. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RoadTripFamily. Show all posts
November 2, 2011
June 22, 2011
The year of the family...
I had no idea when I wrote that 2011 would be the year of the family that it would be like this at the half way point. I have been through my share of ups and downs this year and I'm still working on letting go and going with the flow.
First things first...in June 2010 - six weeks after Monkey was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I have been seeing a counselor and was on medication. Early this year, I decided to end the medication. I had been weaning on and off of it throughout the holiday season (probably not my wisest decision) and had focused on taking a step back and a deep breath before freaking out about things and about myself. I had struggled so much with how I was feeling. I hated that I felt differently than I did when Sweet Pea was born. I hated that I felt I couldn't control my feelings and emotions or reactions with people. I hated that I was so angry. But in working with the most wonderful counselor, I had started to forgive myself. I started to see that no one was doing things intentionally to hurt me. I started to see that I was okay and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. So in January I decided I was done with the medication completely. I didn't need it anymore. I just needed to remember what we had talked about. I needed to remember that it was okay that I felt a certain way. And I needed to remember that my family was not going to think less of me because of the struggles I went through. I still see my counselor every couple weeks and I'm open about it. I'm not hiding what I went through. And as my counselor says, "one day I will be a phenomenal resource for someone going through the same thing."
Moving on...
In the middle of February a friend mentioned an opening at her office that intrigued me. I had been bored at work for the past year and frustrated for at least two years with what I was doing. I never thought I would leave but the opportunity presented itself and I jumped. I got the job and put in my two weeks notice. It was a flood of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. After seven and a half years, I was really leaving. I walked out the door on my last day a little shell shocked. I started my new job the next day.
I was so excited. I did well to start then started to slow down. I wasn't worried. I just kept working and busting my butt. I moved from working a half desk to a full desk and again hit the ground running. Things were moving along then they faltered. And try as I may, I couldn't get one area to get back up. I talked to my supervisor, I expressed my concern and said I was trying. I was told that it would come around. Then Sweet Pea got sick and Monkey fell at daycare cutting his nose and he got sick too. So I was home with the kids. Monday, Tuesday and most of Wednesday with Sweet Pea. Monkey joined us Wednesday afternoon and both kids were home for the week.' Thursday June 9th was my fourth wedding anniversary. My anniversary present was going to work. Road Trip Daddy's present was staying home with the kiddos.
I was thrilled to go into work and be able to control my day. I hated that I couldn't make Sweet Pea or Monkey better and the little control I had at work was what I needed to recharge. I was already planning on staying home Friday with the kids, so the one day of work was welcome. I got to work and focused hard. I was determined to give it 110%. Just before 4pm, pay checks were handed out and my boss grabbed me for a quick minute. Less than 30 seconds into her office and I was told I was being let go. I couldn't believe my ears. I tried to think straight. She apologized, several times in our conversation. I didn't know what to say. She asked if there was anything she could do. The only thing I could say was "Yeah, can you call my husband and tell him I don't have a job?" I spent the next 10 minutes gathering my thoughts, updating my supervisor on any information she needed and then packed up the few belongings there and walked out the door. My boss walked me to the elevator and I tried to keep my composure until the elevator came. I gasped for air as the doors to the elevator opened. I wanted to be sick. I prayed for no one to be on the elevator so I could retreat to my car and breathe, scream, cry, whatever. The elevator went down one floor and stopped. Are you kidding me? A middle age man got on the elevator silently. One more floor and we stop again. This is just cruel. Another person joins us. I don't know if it's a man or woman because I'm staring at the floor trying to stay on my feet. We make it to the first floor and I step off the elevator.
I call Road Trip Daddy from the car. No answer. I leave a message - "We need to talk, call me back soon." He gets my message about 20 minutes later and at this point I'm 10 minutes from home. "I'll talk to you when I get home, I'm almost there" is all I say when I answer the phone. We hang up and I try to come up with what I'm going to say. I have taken a risk by leaving my job of over seven years for this. I had taken a significant pay cut with the potential for more money based on commissions. I feel like a fool. I feel like a failure. I worry that Road Trip Daddy will be disappointed in me. I wish more than anything at that moment at I hadn't left my job. It's not at all how I expected to be spending my anniversary.
When I walk in at home, I'm greeted by screams of delight at my arrival. Sweet Pea rounds the corner and greets me with a big hug and kiss. Monkey is trailing behind her and grabs my legs. I pick him up and meet Road Trip Daddy in the kitchen. We hug and I ask what the worst thing I could tell him right now. He shakes his head and I finally get the words out of my mouth. "I don't have a job anymore." I start crying. "I'm sorry," I say. He hugs me tighter. "It's okay. We are fine. We are going to be fine." With those three sentences, I feel slightly lighter. The stress of telling him are gone and I take a deep breath.
I told my parents later that night and since then we have only told a few close friends. I knew at some point I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I just wasn't planning on it for another 3 years or so. I have been settling into the SAHM role but I am still looking into going back to work...just not quite yet.
So here we are...halfway through the year of the family. We are planning getaways for the summer and I'm looking forward to all the time I get to spend with Sweet Pea and Monkey (even if they are driving me crazy for half of it!)
First things first...in June 2010 - six weeks after Monkey was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I have been seeing a counselor and was on medication. Early this year, I decided to end the medication. I had been weaning on and off of it throughout the holiday season (probably not my wisest decision) and had focused on taking a step back and a deep breath before freaking out about things and about myself. I had struggled so much with how I was feeling. I hated that I felt differently than I did when Sweet Pea was born. I hated that I felt I couldn't control my feelings and emotions or reactions with people. I hated that I was so angry. But in working with the most wonderful counselor, I had started to forgive myself. I started to see that no one was doing things intentionally to hurt me. I started to see that I was okay and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. So in January I decided I was done with the medication completely. I didn't need it anymore. I just needed to remember what we had talked about. I needed to remember that it was okay that I felt a certain way. And I needed to remember that my family was not going to think less of me because of the struggles I went through. I still see my counselor every couple weeks and I'm open about it. I'm not hiding what I went through. And as my counselor says, "one day I will be a phenomenal resource for someone going through the same thing."
Moving on...
In the middle of February a friend mentioned an opening at her office that intrigued me. I had been bored at work for the past year and frustrated for at least two years with what I was doing. I never thought I would leave but the opportunity presented itself and I jumped. I got the job and put in my two weeks notice. It was a flood of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. After seven and a half years, I was really leaving. I walked out the door on my last day a little shell shocked. I started my new job the next day.
I was so excited. I did well to start then started to slow down. I wasn't worried. I just kept working and busting my butt. I moved from working a half desk to a full desk and again hit the ground running. Things were moving along then they faltered. And try as I may, I couldn't get one area to get back up. I talked to my supervisor, I expressed my concern and said I was trying. I was told that it would come around. Then Sweet Pea got sick and Monkey fell at daycare cutting his nose and he got sick too. So I was home with the kids. Monday, Tuesday and most of Wednesday with Sweet Pea. Monkey joined us Wednesday afternoon and both kids were home for the week.' Thursday June 9th was my fourth wedding anniversary. My anniversary present was going to work. Road Trip Daddy's present was staying home with the kiddos.
I was thrilled to go into work and be able to control my day. I hated that I couldn't make Sweet Pea or Monkey better and the little control I had at work was what I needed to recharge. I was already planning on staying home Friday with the kids, so the one day of work was welcome. I got to work and focused hard. I was determined to give it 110%. Just before 4pm, pay checks were handed out and my boss grabbed me for a quick minute. Less than 30 seconds into her office and I was told I was being let go. I couldn't believe my ears. I tried to think straight. She apologized, several times in our conversation. I didn't know what to say. She asked if there was anything she could do. The only thing I could say was "Yeah, can you call my husband and tell him I don't have a job?" I spent the next 10 minutes gathering my thoughts, updating my supervisor on any information she needed and then packed up the few belongings there and walked out the door. My boss walked me to the elevator and I tried to keep my composure until the elevator came. I gasped for air as the doors to the elevator opened. I wanted to be sick. I prayed for no one to be on the elevator so I could retreat to my car and breathe, scream, cry, whatever. The elevator went down one floor and stopped. Are you kidding me? A middle age man got on the elevator silently. One more floor and we stop again. This is just cruel. Another person joins us. I don't know if it's a man or woman because I'm staring at the floor trying to stay on my feet. We make it to the first floor and I step off the elevator.
I call Road Trip Daddy from the car. No answer. I leave a message - "We need to talk, call me back soon." He gets my message about 20 minutes later and at this point I'm 10 minutes from home. "I'll talk to you when I get home, I'm almost there" is all I say when I answer the phone. We hang up and I try to come up with what I'm going to say. I have taken a risk by leaving my job of over seven years for this. I had taken a significant pay cut with the potential for more money based on commissions. I feel like a fool. I feel like a failure. I worry that Road Trip Daddy will be disappointed in me. I wish more than anything at that moment at I hadn't left my job. It's not at all how I expected to be spending my anniversary.
When I walk in at home, I'm greeted by screams of delight at my arrival. Sweet Pea rounds the corner and greets me with a big hug and kiss. Monkey is trailing behind her and grabs my legs. I pick him up and meet Road Trip Daddy in the kitchen. We hug and I ask what the worst thing I could tell him right now. He shakes his head and I finally get the words out of my mouth. "I don't have a job anymore." I start crying. "I'm sorry," I say. He hugs me tighter. "It's okay. We are fine. We are going to be fine." With those three sentences, I feel slightly lighter. The stress of telling him are gone and I take a deep breath.
I told my parents later that night and since then we have only told a few close friends. I knew at some point I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I just wasn't planning on it for another 3 years or so. I have been settling into the SAHM role but I am still looking into going back to work...just not quite yet.
So here we are...halfway through the year of the family. We are planning getaways for the summer and I'm looking forward to all the time I get to spend with Sweet Pea and Monkey (even if they are driving me crazy for half of it!)
January 19, 2011
It has been one year...
It has been a year since the last time I posted. It has been less time since I have written but for some reason I never posted those. And of course, so much has changed in the last year.
- Baby boy, Monkey, as we lovingly refer to him, was born on May 16th. One day before my 29th birthday. It was an ordeal - but that's for another post.
- I have postpartum depression that I have been working on since Monkey was 8 weeks old. It has been a long and tedious road, but I am getting better.
- Sweet Pea has learned to walk, run, climb stairs, etc. She talks non-stop, narrating her life to us. RoadTripDaddy and I love it, well...most of the time.
- Monkey is in constant motion. He moves lightening fast even though he is not crawling on all fours yet. He has perfected the army crawl and can cross a room in the time it takes me to write this sentence. Monkey is also pulling himself up on things. As of this morning, he is now able to pull himself all the way up to his feet. I'm not ready for this.
- We moved Sweet Pea to a toddler bed - her crib converted. The first night of sleep went great. Every night since that (over 2 weeks) has been not good. Most nights we are awoken at 12:45am or 2:30am. It's awesome...
- As of tonight, Sweet Pea has decided that when we leave her room after the bedtime routine, if she is awake, she will get out of bed and follow us - wailing - into the hallway or our bedroom. Another awesome finding.
- I have made resolutions (not for New Years) that I have vowed to keep - and my number one priority is making 2011 "the year of our family."
In the last year, I have learned so much from my friends, family, Sweet Pea and Monkey. I'm trying to keep these lessons of patience, understanding, forgiveness, wonder, excitement, and joy in the forefront of my mind. I'm trying to take things less personally. I'm trying to ease up on myself. As I found this Christmas, there is only so much I can control. I can't go back...I can't change what has happened. I can only learn from it and move forward.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller
January 17, 2010
One day this will be funny...
But at this point, I'm tired and crabby.
We are in Michigan this weekend for Sweet Pea's first birthday party (round 1). We are having a party here today for all my relatives then another party next weekend for the rest of my family and our local friends.
This weekend has started with a few hiccups that are just getting on my nerves. On Friday at work, I was assigned a task that needed to be completed by Tuesday. Not a big deal right...except I can't get into the system and the internet goes down at our office so I waste the entire morning trying to work. Keeping in mind, we have Monday off I know that I will be working this weekend. The weekend we are out of town celebrating Sweet Pea's 1st birthday. Before I leave work, I save my work on my computer and head home.
At home, RoadTripDaddy and I get ready to leave while Sweet Pea dances while her music table plays song after song. I decide to bring our home computer with us this weekend as it's much lighter than my work pc. I figure I can work in the car on the drive in and get as much work done as possible. I hope that I can finish everything before we get here. Saturday morning I wake up realizing that I didn't email the document I need to myself and it's instead sitting on my work computer at home - an hour away.
I spent an hour before we leave desperately trying to access the system to run my report. No luck...so several text messages and emails go out begging for some help. I get the report - just a crucial column from a work friend - so I still can't get my work done. Awesome.
When we got to the hotel, we are informed that while we do have a reservation it's just not for this weekend. It's for next weekend. Thankfully this isn't a problem as there are rooms available. Another small snafu but after a long car ride and my general frustration with having to work, I'm not amused.
Did I mention that we are sharing our hotel room with my parents? Oh yeah, and we are sleeping on the fold out couch. Nothing like a crappy mattress and paper thin sheets to make for a comfy night. There's a blanket too that I'm sure is a hand me down from a local hospital. So this morning when Sweet Pea woke up at 3:30am Central Time and finally fell back asleep with her feet jammed in my ribs, I decided that it's not that bad to be awake and got out of bed.
So I'm sitting in the lobby of our hotel wondering just when I can get breakfast around here. Here's hoping I can take a nap later this morning before the party...
This will be amusing some day, but right now I'm tired, crabby and hungry.
This morning, I saw news coverage for the first time. I have been trying to avoid the images because I can't handle the pain and suffering right now. Please take a moment to donate in any way you can help the people of Haiti. This is a country without a net. While I had a crappy start to my weekend, I feel blessed to have my family and friends safe and healthy.
You can click on any of the following links to donate:
Red Cross
UNICEF (1-800-4UNICEF)
Mercy Corps (1-888-256-1900)
If you can't donate financially, please consider donating a pint of blood. My friend is running her Third Annual Blood Drive. You can find out about it by clicking here.
January 13, 2010
January 6, 2010
20 weeks
This was Day 5 (I think). I'm not in my flickr account right now and I'm not in the mood to find out. This is the first present RoadTripDaddy bought for the new baby. He brought this and a card home the day after (I think) we found out I was pregnant. It's the only thing we have bought for the baby. I am nervous that if I start shopping for the new little one I will go overboard. And that's probably not a good idea. Also, I would feel like I would need to get stuff for Sweet Pea too. And she will be a year old in two weeks (as of 4:29 this afternoon). So, I think we are set on presents for the moment.
Back to the topic of this post - yesterday was the 20 week mark for this pregnancy. Half way there. I can't believe it. At this point in my pregnancy with Sweet Pea, both RoadTripDaddy and I were convinced we were having a boy. And everyone was all to willing to give their opinions on the matter as well. Because I was carrying like I was having a boy. Or so I kept being told. The week of my ultrasound last time people kept asking me whether I thought Sweet Pea was a boy or girl. And I repeated over and over what I believed, that I was pregnant with a boy. I didn't tell people that I had changed my mind. That I was sure we were having a girl. See, we had a name set for a boy. And we had stopped looking at names - but part of that was that I was just so sick of repeating names over and over again trying to figure out how my child could be teased with each name I liked. I announced to RoadTripDaddy at 18 weeks that it didn't make sense to keep looking at names. We had the appointment set and there was no point in looking for a girl name too unless we were told something different at that appointment.
Going back to whether I thought we were having a boy or girl, the week of my ultrasound I became convinced (although I didn't share this with anyone) that we were having a girl. Because I was totally unprepared for having a girl. Because I didn't have a name for a girl. Because I thought RoadTripDaddy wanted a boy. Because I thought I wanted a boy. So on that day, during the ultrasound as we talked with the ultrasound tech and looked at the different parts of Sweet Pea's little body, we saw Sweet Pea's arms and RoadTripDaddy mentioned our little one becoming a pitcher for the Cubs. The technician looked scanned down further on Sweet Pea, looked at us and said our little one will be more likely waving her arms at a Miley Cyrus concert than pitching in a major league baseball game. Tears filled my eyes. I looked back at RoadTripDaddy worried he would be upset. And there were tears in his eyes. But he wasn't upset. He was happy. He squeezed my hand and we continued the ultrasound. I wiped away the tears and knew that we would be okay. I knew that it didn't matter if we were having a girl or boy. Sweet Pea was healthy and we were halfway to meeting our little girl.
My 20 week ultrasound is this Friday at 3pm. We will once again be finding out if the little one will be a boy or girl. I'm convinced we are having a girl. And having panic attacks that it will be a boy and I won't have any clue what to do. But truthfully, as long as the baby is healthy I will be happy either way.
January 3, 2010
Happy New Year!
Well, here it is. My first picture of 2010. Sweet Pea was crawling around my in-laws dining room. She had us all laughing as she crawled around making her presence known by "yelling" with each move. We had a great New Years Eve and a wonderful weekend at my in-laws with some of my husband's siblings. We were missing his younger brother, but we did get to talk to him just after midnight. Hope you all had a great time ringing in 2010.
December 31, 2009
2009 comes to a close
This is a long post. If you are too lazy to read the whole post (or just want the good stuff - head down to the last 2 paragraphs!)
A few months after Sweet Pea was born, I saw that a blogger (and no, I don't have any idea who it was) was taking a picture of their baby every day for the first year of their life. What a great idea I thought. Why didn't I think of that? It wasn't like I didn't have 2000 pictures of her by her second month (because I did). But there was something about starting or ending or at least acknowledging every day with a picture of Sweet Pea's life.
I told myself it was too late for Sweet Pea. How could I start that now? What with her being 4 months old and all? So I didn't. And I regret it. Because how cool would it be to see how much she has changed. I know she has. I can see it in the pictures framed at my desk and the rotating background on my computer.
It's been a crazy year for our family. I know 2009 has been awful for some people (for a lot of people). But all in all, 2009 has been good to the RoadTripFamily. We went from a married couple (family of 2) to a family of three with Sweet Pea brightening our days. While I received news that I had tumors in my thyroid that needed to be removed, I learned they weren't cancer. And I was grateful. And a week before my husband's birthday, we found out that I'm expecting again. It was a rough first month and there were concerns of miscarriage. But I can tell you that I'm 19 weeks along and looking forward to our ultrasound next week. We've had our ups and downs, but there's been a lot of love. I look forward to 2010 with some nerves, but mostly I'm excited to see what will happen next.
On that note, I have decided on two resolutions for 2010. After seeing OHMommy wrap up her year in pictures on Twitter, I have decided to challenge myself to a year of pictures. I plan to share some on this blog but mostly, it's for the RoadTripFamily. We have a lot to see in the next year. From Sweet Pea's 1st birthday to baby 2 to our 3rd wedding anniversary and 4 weddings (so far). Secondly, my goal when starting this blog was to post as often as I could. And I admit, I could have posted more often. So in 2010, I am resolving to post at least once a week (please note that could mean a Monday of week 1 and Saturday of week 2 - because I'm ambitious but let's be serious). While these may seem like minor resolutions to you (and anyone else I tell), it's about a commitment to RoadTripFamily and our life together. They are the best part of my day.
Happy New Year everyone!
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